Tuesday, April 10, 2012

toooo tired (please let me wake up on time tomorrow...)

I'm exhausted and almost ready to give up schoolwork for the night. I think I will blame part of the tiredness on depression and/or anxiety and/or medication. Because I think if I was healthy and non-medicated, I would be able to wake up in the morning after sleeping 6 hours. I realize that 6 is less than the "advised" amount, but I should still be able to wake up then. Instead of an hour later, when I'm supposed to be about to arrive at work, not just opening my eyes.

Of course, in my dream, I was dealing with a fire and a flood and thought how convenient/ironic it was that I had just gone to a training on emergency preparedness. Maybe all that excitement in my dream tired me out, or at least tied me into my sleep during the adventure.

My plan for tonight is to put my alarm clock under the dresser instead of on it and to hide my cell phone somewhere else unusual, so that hopefully I will have to look for it, and hopefully in that time, I will wake up enough to get myself to stay up.

The schoolwork, job work, and mental health endeavors have conspired together against me. I can't get an A in all of it (or maybe I can...). I work from seven a.m. until noon or 12:30, eat lunch, maybe take a break, and then do schoolwork until late in the evening. Which is obviously not working, since it is getting in the way of waking up the next morning. But the school deadlines are all coming up as the semester finishes. By 3:30 tomorrow, I am supposed to be knowledgeable about cochlear implants. Thankfully, I already know some. But still, I want to know more, to have researched more, to have better references, to verify that what I think is true from the last time I studied it is still true! Maybe it's not, and we all know how terrible it would be (to my OCD) if I accidentally lied, especially if I was negligent on my research. Okay, so I'm really worrying about guilt. Good to know. I already feel guilty for not studying better, like I've failed the other student working on the project with me. I wonder what "enough" would be? Guess what; I studied "enough" last week, but when I had to tell what I'd learned, suddenly I hadn't studied enough.

And my body aches. Irritated like it wants to explode and exhausted wanting to fall asleep at the same time.

And there were assumptions made on my part and on the part of others at work today that, um, didn't line up and left me with a telephone call from my boss asking about what one of the kids socks looked like (however good my memory might sometimes be, I don't memorize all of their socks) and about other things. So on the telephone I was my usual, "okay, uhuh, okay," self, while I got frustrated inside. Then I did raise my voice and slam my phone down after the call was over. So tomorrow I will try to explain my issues and find out how much overtime I'm being expected to work (time that I had planned to use for studying cochlear implants and related issues). And somehow... this will all work out. And my depression can just shut up, 'cause I don't want to hear it's snide remarks right now!

I did finally go back to a Zumba class I used to attend last night. It felt good.


  1. You are working so hard, Abigail. Don't be hard on yourself. I hope you were able to get some rest and get things settled at work. At least the semester is winding down. Keep telling yourself that you will get through it all, because you will.

  2. I really admire how self aware you are and how you are trying to do it all and seem to be doing really well. You have your struggles such as well, fatigue, depression, OCD and anxiety but you are doing a lot and accomplishing so much. Be proud of yourself :)

  3. It seems that you are such a hard worker and have so much accomplished even with things like OCD that could hold you down. I have OCD and it is often a struggle to have OCD not get in the way of my everyday life. I found a lot of helpful advice from http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ocd. You are an inspiration to me!