unreasonably rational

I went to the new psychiatrist yesterday. To my great delight, he expressed hope that with medication I could get healthier than moderately depressed with a good bit of OCD thrown in. As I hoped he would, he changed my SSRI. And then comes the fun part. I started "experiencing" side effects before I've even taken the new medication! I picked it up last night, but planned to take my first half pill tonight. In the mean time, I'm experiencing extra tiredness and some sort of almost dizziness in my excersize class. Which I would definately consider blaming on the new medication if I'd actually started it. But I haven't, so I have only my brain to thank. Because not taking my old SSRI this morning shouldn't effect me at all yet, as far as I am aware. Oh, we could thank the flu, too. Because that silly thing seems to like to come for a second visit just under a week later. I consider myself healthy-but-extra-tired now. (haha, what's new.) Actually, none of...

So I got the flu and now I feel week. I guess it didn't help that I haven't eaten lunch yet and it is past one o'clock. And I know I'm blogging twice in one day. And I know it could be compulsive. And I'm still writing, because maybe it will help me sort out my thoughts. My counselor said writing thoughts gives me a little more objectivity than just thinking. Earlier today, after eating a normal breakfast for the first time since Friday (thanks to a stomach flu), and after going out into the sunshiney day, I felt good. I felt like that was how I wanted to feel in life. Not without problems, but without the depression hanging on me. It lasted maybe 10 minutes into church. Then I got tired. Physically. My wonderful stamina after having the 12 hour flu. That's what my non-depression times are like; I do okay and then I tire out. So maybe there is hope of recovering (both from the flu and depression). Now I'm about to try to get myself to eat lunch (I will succe...

"Am I dizzy, or do I just feel dizzy?" I asked myself. Followed by being incredulous that I'd actually asked myself that. I do that sort of thing alot, but it doesn't make alot of sense. Am I sad, or do I just feel sad (what's the difference?)? Am I depressed or do I just feel depressed? Am I happy, or do I just feel happy? Well, actually, I want to feel happy, so I usually accept that feeling. Oh, even more suspicious. The point is, I felt almost-dizzy. The point is, I sometimes feel depressed. I don't have to second guess every feeling. But, my ocd lies to me. I feel anxious when I don't need to. I feel anxious that using this computer instead of that will cause something bad to happen, but I know that feeling isn't an accurate picture of reality. But it is an accurate description of how I'm feeling. There seems to be where I get confused. My feeling doesn't make one computer more dangerous than another. But my feeling of anxiety actually ex...

Morning. Feeling tense and frozen. Is that normal, or is that a medication side effect? And does it matter? Because eventually I get myself to move. On Saturdays and Sundays it's pretty hard, though. And it's hard on work days, but I don't want to loose my job, so that's a great motivator. I went from being indecisive to being indecisive to suddenly deciding to go on a hike with my dad. May my counselor be satisfied with my exposure to the sun (through a winter hat and two coats! Really, how much sun exposure is that?). Actually, she probably wants me to go outside several times a week or something. I don't like my options from here. Hoping for medication-related improvement is a really really slow and possibly hazardous approach to regaining "mental health." But some people have been helped this way. Hoping for a CBT and ERP solution seems even more discouraging. I'm supposed to have these super powers that enable me to act against my thoughts and fee...

Today's exposure - flip a coin to make a decision. My counselor suggested it for when I get "stuck" on a decision, but that would be a terrifying time to try it. (There is something scarey about letting a penny decide your future; hence, I almost ALWAYS avoid it.) But I thought it had some merrit as an ocd exposure, even if I didn't want to use it in decision making when fighting anxious concerns about choosing the wrong thing and ruining my life. So I used it on something where I approved of both choices - going to the bookstore first or going straight to the library. It was tails, so to the library I went. I was a little disappointed, but I got over it pretty quick. That's my specific, intentional exposure. The other exposures just sort of come, based on other decisions. Biggest upcoming exposure - give someone a ride. It's scarey enough to just drive myself somewhere without someone in the car with me. And no, I didn't choose this to be an exposure, I...

Tuesday. Took my Seroquel with my antibiotic and food last night. Not the greatest idea. Better to take Seroquel without food, because the pharmacist said I'd absorb it a little bit better. And I want all the help I can get, even if I don't think it's working like I want it to. I got around 9 hours of sleep, but I'm still so tired today! I don't think that's fair. But i made it to work only 4 minutes late, and got out of work early because they didn't need me anymore today (sad for the paycheck, happy for my brain). Then I was supposed to eat lunch. I took a bite of apple and a bite of whatever bready-meaty-cheesey-needs-some-sauce thing I made for lunch. And then I entered the library. Happy brain, upset whatever in me wants/needs food. Oh, but I don't "need" lunch. Rats, gotta force myself to eat. Could get a movie and watch it while I ate. Good idea.

It's been a rollercoaster day. Barely get myself out of bed (yay for depression and weekends - and not being able to fall asleep until midnight. That might factor in), late to Sunday School (but I DID make it to Sunday School!) . Church, happy singing, passable sitting through the service (I sometimes freak out that the pastor is going to say something wrong and the church is going to die - yay for anxiety, poor pastors that get stuck with me). But today I did fine during the sermon. I didn't even draw half a million flowers, which is one of my coping methods. Communion - yay for scrupulosity. But I survived it. Then more happy singing, more talking to friends, drive home, lunch with a friend (I touched her food while I prepared it), then we went to the gym. Then I meet somebody who I mostly know from when I was in the "behavioral health unit" of the hospital. My poor friend from lunch who went to the gym with me; suddenly my mind has a problem to solve. I think, no, ...

I saved decisions to "get my counselor's imput." For example, the college classes one. Then I talked through it in front of her, and she seemed fine with my conclusion, so that was good. Then I thought she'd helped me figure it out, but she said I had really done the figuring out. Confusing. So I'm signed up for a Jazz class and a Child Guidance Theory class. The one should be fun (except that it's Jazz 2 and I've never taken Jazz 1, but I've taken ballet and modern and tap so I think I can slide by, but I'm still nervous). The other might prove helpful as classroom discipline is one of my more challenging parts of my job. I actually didn't discuss the jazz class with my counselor, but I did discuss the other. What I really want is a practice class while I still have the counselor I like (i.e., before I commit to moving and going full time to some college somewhere). The excersize class is for fun. I was thinking yesterday in a dance class, I u...

Somehow life gets complicated really fast. Like, I think to myself, I can take such-and-such class on such-and-such days and that will be great.... followed by finding out that the class is full. Not too much of a problem, because maybe people will drop out. So then i look at the local college I was planning to transfer to, and guess what, the classes are mostly online. Listen! If I want an online college, i'd pick a different one. So then my whole shakey plan for a bachelor's degree crumbles once more (this isn't unusual). So then, the choice gets more complicated. Which class do I take from where and why? Because I wanted to take a class in person. (I'm great at online, but it has been suggested that perhaps in person would be better for my depression.) But then I look at the online class from a different college and think, oh, I'd so much rather take that class than the in person ones here. I mean, I'd enjoy the material I was learning. That does help, you kn...

I did go to the doctor. Told him I felt like I had a sinus infection, but I wasn't sure what was from that and what was from depression. He said, I was right; my brain could be exaggerating symptoms. Then he said that based on his observation, I probably did have a sinus infection, so I'm back on antibiotics. That struck me as interesting, considering, if I didn't perceive my symptoms to be as bad as I did, I sure wouldn't have gone into the doctor. It was my desperate attempt at continuing to be able to get out of bed each morning. I sure hope this works. It's been the sort of Sunday when I had the worst time just getting out of bed. Missed Sunday school and was late for church. But I did get out of bed! I was uninterested even in watching a movie at lunch time, but watched one anyway, and did enjoy it somewhat. This depression has to get better. Tomorrow to the Psychiatrist. Tomorrow I get to try to put this hard-to-explain state of living into words that he'l...