change

I saved decisions to "get my counselor's imput." For example, the college classes one. Then I talked through it in front of her, and she seemed fine with my conclusion, so that was good. Then I thought she'd helped me figure it out, but she said I had really done the figuring out. Confusing.

So I'm signed up for a Jazz class and a Child Guidance Theory class. The one should be fun (except that it's Jazz 2 and I've never taken Jazz 1, but I've taken ballet and modern and tap so I think I can slide by, but I'm still nervous). The other might prove helpful as classroom discipline is one of my more challenging parts of my job. I actually didn't discuss the jazz class with my counselor, but I did discuss the other. What I really want is a practice class while I still have the counselor I like (i.e., before I commit to moving and going full time to some college somewhere). The excersize class is for fun.

I was thinking yesterday in a dance class, I used to really want to be the best - still do. Want to impress the teacher. But it's easier for me now to let some of the "what is the teacher thinking of me" questions go and do it more for fun. So that's a goal with my excersize classes and with the upcoming Jazz class; enjoy it. Do it to communicate, but not to "show off." We'll see how I do. Oh, but I need to remember to appreciate improvement and not just aime for perfect completion of the goal.

Speaking of goals, my counselor wants to set goals for my depression and anxiety for the next few months on my next visit. I'm not sure quite what she means. What kind of goals does one set for a few months? I hope that in four months I'll be able to get out of bed on Saturdays without a long mental struggle with myself? I hope that I won't be so scared when I just see a police car (unreasonable fear; I can be driving quite exemplary and still feel scared. Or feel scared just at the thought that maybe the car behind me is a police car)? Oh, well, I guess I shouldn't worry about this; she can explain next week.

I dyed my hair again. I wasn't nearly as scared while I did it as the first time. Wasn't nearly as concerned about something terrible happening. I think I even forgot it was a "sin". And then! Then I cut my hair. I've wanted to do this for a while, but never got past my fear that something bad would happen. But today, I decided, if I mess it up, I can go get it cut by somebody who costs money. And I asked my brother how it looked when I was almost done, and he gave me a few pointers but said he wouldn't have known I cut it myself if I hadn't told him. So I finished up, and my head is lighter now. I actually like it so far; I have a tendency to get worried and anxious when getting a hair cut and to get upset with the person cutting my hair. It being me, I could cut it however I wanted without having to explain that to a person. And I didn't have any need to get upset with someone else. And I like it. Okay, so maybe the medication is changing me, changing how much my fears control me.

Now, if I can just get through my fear of having the wrong footwear for the first Jazz class next week... (okay, logically now, suppose I have the wrong footwear? I get something else for the following week. The worst that could happen is I could get kicked out for one class - or break a bone falling, but I don't think that's so likely. Really, neither is likely).