Thursday, January 13, 2011

exposures and (in different paragraphs) moderate depression

Today's exposure - flip a coin to make a decision. My counselor suggested it for when I get "stuck" on a decision, but that would be a terrifying time to try it. (There is something scarey about letting a penny decide your future; hence, I almost ALWAYS avoid it.) But I thought it had some merrit as an ocd exposure, even if I didn't want to use it in decision making when fighting anxious concerns about choosing the wrong thing and ruining my life. So I used it on something where I approved of both choices - going to the bookstore first or going straight to the library. It was tails, so to the library I went. I was a little disappointed, but I got over it pretty quick.

That's my specific, intentional exposure. The other exposures just sort of come, based on other decisions. Biggest upcoming exposure - give someone a ride. It's scarey enough to just drive myself somewhere without someone in the car with me. And no, I didn't choose this to be an exposure, I'm doing it for other reasons. It's an exposure that found me.

Grasping the bathroom doorhandle would be a combination. I did have to open the door, but I could have used just one finger (as usual), thereby limmiting germ contact. But instead I grabbed the handle, kind of angrily. So there! and then there were germs on my hand. My left hand. And they might still be there or they might have fallen off. They might have fallen onto the keyboard. Another person might "catch" some of them. Or we could go with my sister's "germs die" theory, which may have some scientific support. Or we could move on to excersizing, since I'm supposed to do that today. I have my ear phones this time, so I can watch tv while I do it. Sounds like fun.

This time, at my counselor's, I showed her my list of scores on a depression questionaire thing over the last 11 weeks that I've been on the exact same medications and dosages. That is one way to communicate that my moderate depression is being irritatingly consistant, with some slight fluctuations. I am glad to be "only" moderately depressed instead of severely depressed. For that, I am still thankful. But I sure hope I don't stay moderately depressed for too much longer.

And I've pretty much decided to try to get a second psychiatrist oppinion.

1 comment:

  1. I found coin flipping really scary at first but it helped so much with my indecision. I like your first step of using it to pick between two "approved of" choices.