Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's been a rollercoaster day. Barely get myself out of bed (yay for depression and weekends - and not being able to fall asleep until midnight. That might factor in), late to Sunday School (but I DID make it to Sunday School!). Church, happy singing, passable sitting through the service (I sometimes freak out that the pastor is going to say something wrong and the church is going to die - yay for anxiety, poor pastors that get stuck with me). But today I did fine during the sermon. I didn't even draw half a million flowers, which is one of my coping methods. Communion - yay for scrupulosity. But I survived it. Then more happy singing, more talking to friends, drive home, lunch with a friend (I touched her food while I prepared it), then we went to the gym. Then I meet somebody who I mostly know from when I was in the "behavioral health unit" of the hospital. My poor friend from lunch who went to the gym with me; suddenly my mind has a problem to solve. I think, no, I won't solve it now. This will be good for me. Some success while I watched TV and ran on a machine. Less success when we were walking together. I just want to stop and figure it out! Anxious rubbing my forehead. And she doesn't know. She keeps walking and talking as if I was normal, perhaps because she isn't reading my mind. :) Oh, and perhaps because I am normal, that would be a possibility, too. Maybe.

Anyhow, she thankfully eventually decided to run ahead and I got some good thinking in. Not enough, of course, until I went home and wrote it down to talk to my counselor about. Well, appearently still not enough, because I'm writing about it. So funny, my rediculous moodiness! I think I have too high hopes; like I want to feel better. I want to be willing to live with myself the whole day instead of just part of the day. I want the confusing "emotional pain" to go away! I want to know for sure if I'm on the right medication or not - I think not, my psychiatrist and counselor think yes, so that's two against one. And once again, how do I know? Maybe I'm wrong.

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