unreasonably rational

The computer isn't publishing my posts. Very irritating. But I'll go ahead and try a new one. My therapist told me to research something! Though she said it with much reserve. She just wants me to get to the bottom of the sinus/ear infections I keep getting. Aside from the fact that I work with kids. I'm told that saline nasal washes are disgusting. I don't think so. Maybe because my idea of disgusting is having another child sneeze on my mouth, or (one of the worst), wiping my face on my shoulder after a child did that and before their snot dried. That is gross. Even the sneeze thing isn't such a big deal anymore. Those are probably "safe" germs. As in, the kind that give me sinus and ear infections, but are quite unlikely to kill me or even make me miss work (since I work sick when it's not too bad). What can I say? Making pizzas a a grocery store did not cure my ocd at all. Choosing to keep working with children, that's like choosing many natura...

Side note. Have you heard the, don't pray for patience or something bad (but patience-building) will happen. That irks me (the word "irks" doesn't. I like the word). Patience is something God wants us to have, and does he really permit extra bad stuff to happen just because we pray for patience? I don't think so. I wish that meant no bad stuff ever, prayer or not, but it doesn't. I spent the weekend at home, trying to speedily get through this cold I have. It is a somewhat onesided cold; one side of my throat is very sore, and the other is not. Along with the cold came the dizzy/lightheaded/buzzing waves through my head. I didn't drive Saturday or Sunday. But I'm doing better today. Not completely rid of it, but not having the really bad waves that make my eyes feel like they move a bit with the wave. Managing versus obliterating. (See, I'll get around to OCD or depression some time.) I don't know if I'm lowering my goal, which may lower my...

Here are 4 of my top three methods of handling a bunch of toddlers that are going crazy. No, that should be 5 of 10? Or 5 of 5 since I don't know what the other five would be. This is put together from my 3.5 years of experience. 1. Bubbles. Blow bubbles, or (if like me you don't want to hyperventalate), swing the bubble wand around. The second method is a bit messier, but hey, the solution says it's non toxic. Oh, don't forget to do it outside or on carpet. This way the carpet can collect more dirt. - No, wait, this way the children are less likely to slip and fall on the hard floor. A bit more dirt is a small sacrifice for avoiding falls. 2. Sing with motions The Wheels On the Bus. This song is just about perfect. The right amount of familiarity. The right amount and right kinds of motions. The right amount of repetition and variation. This is a great song. 3. Give them food. This one is especially good if you can't stand any more noise and need a bit of quiet. 4....

I know, it's a profound title, one that is surprisingly intelligent and requiring great knowledge. I have to go to the library to use a computer to use the internet. This is probably good because it limits how long I can be onling. Also, being on the internet gets boring. I like writing blog posts. But once i've read others, checked both e-mail accounts (not opening every new item), etc., then it gets boring, so I can walk away and do something more interesting like looking for more yarn for my knitting. As anticipated, the depression didn't go on vacation for long. First the anxiety came later on Sunday. Then by Monday... I was grumpy. Once on a Monday I had a really bad evening, so now all Mondays are contaminated. I don't know how to change that. I've kept living my life anyway, even though I don't like that time very well. But beyond that, what can I do? A script maybe, writing over and over about some feared outcome? I'm not so sure that's a good id...

What does it take to get me to dance on the dance floor at a wedding reception? Not too much; just two antidepressants and one mood stabalizer (antipsychotic, actually), and friends I felt comfortable with who didn't go to my church. Oh, yes, I might be a hypocrite. But still a Christian where it really matters (salvation by grace). Actually, I don't always (often?) act that out, but it's still true and I believe it. Back to dancing. I also deliberately stood on the dance floor when the bouqette was tossed! I was deliberately not going to catch it, either, but I did stand up! Standing then and dancing later, I used to be too aware and worried about what people were thinking of me. You know, one of my logical thoughts, just like people can actually look like a manhole cover in the road (not). I didn't want people to think I was flirting or dancing in a sinful way, etc. (and don't forget the random, unexplainable but related anxiety that joins the crazy thoughts). So ...

Okay, the last two posts are out of order. They didn't post the days I tried to post them, and now they are not in order. Grrr. Last night I played handbells at a fundraising event fighting against cancer. We played around 10:00 at night. I was the youngest, but not the only one who is usually in bed by 10. Now today, I feel sick. My throat hurts, my stomach doesn't like me... Only, I suspect it wont turn into a full blown cold. I think when I relax enough and sleep enough, I'll feel better. And yes, I was in bed 12 hours last night and this morning. Ahhh. :) 24 might be better. But this afternoon, I've planned to go to a friend's wedding. So the stress continues. Oh, well, it should work out better than I fear, since things with these people tend to work out better than I expect. The handbell playing went well, by the way. I now feel like I'm on the same playing field as all the others, not a good step ahead. There was a part where I just stopped playing, becau...

Wow! I made it 4ish days without writing a blog entry! (This "reassures" me that blogging isn't a compulsion that I'm stuck performing.) Today, I saw my therapist again. It's been two weeks, and that was long for me. It was a good catch-up session, and she gave me the encouragement I really wanted. To keep going through this depression. And through the ocd. I feel like ocd is a part of my life, but I'm pretty grumpy about depression sticking with me like this. And I applied to a college! For an online, Communication Disorders program. I've taken two of the classes as a non-degree-seeking student. But now I want to be able to use financial aid, so I have to be degree seeking. And from talking to a friend and my counselor,I'm learning that I don't need to know how long I will live to take classes and work towards a degree. Some days I may expect to live years. Some days, today and maybe tomorrow is all I want to think about. But I don't need to w...

It occured to me that it is June now, and I'm still stuck in the OCD and depression. Depression perhaps more, OCD, maybe a little better. But a whole year! I know, lots of people have dealt with a mental illnessfor many years. One year isn't that much, but it is still discouraging me. I should get to see my counselor this week. I want emotional support, even though her specialty is OCD, which has a heavy ERP focus. Last night I practiced playing the handbells so that we can play them at an event that goes through the night fundraising for and recognizing and remembering people with cancer. I was going to say no when I called about playing for this, but instead of the answering machine, I got a person, and wimped out and said yes. But really, director, I was not kidding when I said that event was late for me. Not kidding. Dead serious. But I've commited and I don't like uncommitting, so I'll be staying up late for this event. :( We practiced earlier last night. 6 to ...

Acceptance? Denial? Complacency? Which word(s) apply to not asking for prayer on Sunday. I did well on Saturday (of course, I had knitting in my hands most of the day and something to watch on the television simultaneously). But Sunday... I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to eat breakfast. I didn't want to go to Sunday School. I was grumpy, even though the sky was brilliant blue. But what surprise is there in that? Really? When was my last Sunday void of more intense troubles? Sundays are just hard. So why wouldn't I walk up to one of the people ready to pray and ask them to pray for me because my brain is giving me trouble? I've done that before. I've asked more vaguely for the Sunday School class to pray for my health. But I don't want to do it every day. It seems that God isn't going to answer by taking the depression and OCD away right now. Maybe if I prayed with them more, the depression and OCD wouldn't be so strong. But prayer doesn...

Last night, I was informed that I wasn't supposed to dream about my current job at night. My dreams should be of things further back in my history. Really? I've been dreaming about my then-current job for years. Sure, sometimes I have students who are thousands of miles apart in the same setting, but who doesn't dream about their work? Appearently lots of people. Same as lots of people don't wonder if they hit something they shouldn't while they drive safely. So now, am I cheated of dreaming right, too? Maybe. Or maybe lots of people are and I'm not. As for realistic dreams that I almost confuse with what really happened, I'm not running too short for my tastes. It's a little unnerving. This morning, the event occured that I used to set three or more alarms for at different times of the morning (and then repeatedly check that they were on and set right the night before). I slept in. I shut the alarm off, and slept (dreaming about getting ready for work a...