Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday

I know, it's a profound title, one that is surprisingly intelligent and requiring great knowledge.

I have to go to the library to use a computer to use the internet. This is probably good because it limits how long I can be onling. Also, being on the internet gets boring. I like writing blog posts. But once i've read others, checked both e-mail accounts (not opening every new item), etc., then it gets boring, so I can walk away and do something more interesting like looking for more yarn for my knitting.

As anticipated, the depression didn't go on vacation for long. First the anxiety came later on Sunday. Then by Monday... I was grumpy. Once on a Monday I had a really bad evening, so now all Mondays are contaminated. I don't know how to change that. I've kept living my life anyway, even though I don't like that time very well. But beyond that, what can I do? A script maybe, writing over and over about some feared outcome? I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

Okay, I almost have a pattern. I'm just writing it out; I don't know how accurite it is. One day, I notice that I can do something I haven't been able (or willing because of anxiety) to do. Then I get really excited. The depression lifts a bit. I feel better connected to God (that isn't ocd; that's just feeling part of the depression lift). Then, before too long, I do something that still triggers anxiety (because, face it, I just can't avoid it. Anxiety at home, out side,any place, I can't avoid it if I wanted to). So then the anxiety comes. And I think, that's okay, that's okay, I'm still making progress. And then the anxiety continues, with the obsession, oh, no, now I'm not going to qualify for help (i.e. counseling and the more frequent visits to the psychiatrist). There's a thought to bring down more depression.

Yesterday, I was talking to someone. I was talking about my obsession and about the compulsion of checking and that I got mad at myself for checking... And the other person said, If I thought that way, it would pull me down/drop me down/something like that (the person was concise. My memory aided by OCD is inprecise). That made me stop and think. Oh, these thoughts aren't easy. But I also wondered, if I didn't get mad at myself when I knew I'd performed a compulsion, what would happen? Would that be like this I-can't-remember-the-name thinking where I just accept my thoughts without going one way or the other. Just leaving them there as thoughts. Mindfullness! There's the name. If I didn't get angry when I completed a compulsion, would that hinder my recovery or help it? I'm guessing it might help the depression.

Maybe I'll stick to this week's homework. And do more before the day of my appointment (when I usually pull out the book I'm supposed to be working through while I wait in the lobby for my appointment)

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