Sunday, June 12, 2011

success

What does it take to get me to dance on the dance floor at a wedding reception? Not too much; just two antidepressants and one mood stabalizer (antipsychotic, actually), and friends I felt comfortable with who didn't go to my church. Oh, yes, I might be a hypocrite. But still a Christian where it really matters (salvation by grace). Actually, I don't always (often?) act that out, but it's still true and I believe it.

Back to dancing. I also deliberately stood on the dance floor when the bouqette was tossed! I was deliberately not going to catch it, either, but I did stand up! Standing then and dancing later, I used to be too aware and worried about what people were thinking of me. You know, one of my logical thoughts, just like people can actually look like a manhole cover in the road (not). I didn't want people to think I was flirting or dancing in a sinful way, etc. (and don't forget the random, unexplainable but related anxiety that joins the crazy thoughts).

So today, I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty happy. Like, I almost parked in a scarrier place when I came to the library. But then I thought, maybe I shouldn't, because maybe one way I destroy my good moods is by testing them too far too fast. And by thinking I shouldn't have any depression left. I want my brain to understand that I can improve and still be legitimately sick and in need of help.

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