Sunday, June 5, 2011

grumpy Sunday

Acceptance? Denial? Complacency? Which word(s) apply to not asking for prayer on Sunday. I did well on Saturday (of course, I had knitting in my hands most of the day and something to watch on the television simultaneously). But Sunday... I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to eat breakfast. I didn't want to go to Sunday School. I was grumpy, even though the sky was brilliant blue. But what surprise is there in that? Really? When was my last Sunday void of more intense troubles? Sundays are just hard. So why wouldn't I walk up to one of the people ready to pray and ask them to pray for me because my brain is giving me trouble? I've done that before. I've asked more vaguely for the Sunday School class to pray for my health. But I don't want to do it every day. It seems that God isn't going to answer by taking the depression and OCD away right now. Maybe if I prayed with them more, the depression and OCD wouldn't be so strong. But prayer doesn't work like a vending machine, so that may not be true.

And all the people standing ready to pray were men. I try to avoid going through lines with men as cashiers when at a store. Glance ahead, if it's a women, feel relief. If it's a man, find another lane or suffer through the anxiety. Oh, yes, I know it isn't more sensible than any of my other compulsions. But if I don't even want a man checking out my groceries, why would I walk up to a man and say, oh, by the way, my brain is really irking me today; would you please pray for it (that would probably go over better than telling them how my brain was irking me). So one man knew because I'm friends with him and his wife and child. But I didn't want to ask him. I didn't want to tell anybody new, either, and the two people I was looking for, I didn't find. So I left. And wondered, do people with cancer and other longer term illnesses feel the same way? Tired of asking for prayer, might as well skip it?

In Sunday school, the subject of fear and doubt came up, and someone said that they had heard/read that antianxiety medications were the most prescribed medications in the country. Or something like that. And we were talking about being spiritually sick, etc. So once again, the, "I'm sure that there are some people who need that, but some others that just need to trust God more." And I was already grumpy.

So would I be one of those people with less faith that they were discussing? I have a hard time thinking that's true. I mean, I suspect that I have around the same amount of faith as them, but my brain is better at generating fight or flight issues than theirs is. Instead, like the blind man in John 9, I think God is working with it. The disciples tried to blame someone's sin for causing the blindness, but Jesus said that wasn't true. Same with the tower that fell on people, talked about in Luke 13:4. They weren't more sinful because that happened to them instead of other people.

So there. And I'm still grumpy. Soon I plan to go home and watch a movie and knit. Maybe the grumpiness will at least have the decency to hide.

And I still feel sad and wonder about my time in the psychiatric ward ("behavioral health unit," as if I'm misbehaving instead of my brain) and other people's time there. A big, sad, unanswered question (or questions?).

Knitting should take my mind off of it.

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