Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It occured to me that it is June now, and I'm still stuck in the OCD and depression. Depression perhaps more, OCD, maybe a little better. But a whole year! I know, lots of people have dealt with a mental illnessfor many years. One year isn't that much, but it is still discouraging me.

I should get to see my counselor this week. I want emotional support, even though her specialty is OCD, which has a heavy ERP focus.

Last night I practiced playing the handbells so that we can play them at an event that goes through the night fundraising for and recognizing and remembering people with cancer. I was going to say no when I called about playing for this, but instead of the answering machine, I got a person, and wimped out and said yes. But really, director, I was not kidding when I said that event was late for me. Not kidding. Dead serious. But I've commited and I don't like uncommitting, so I'll be staying up late for this event. :( We practiced earlier last night. 6 to 8 pm. By the end, not only was my head playing the lightheaded game (that started long before I even got to practice), but my stomach hurt, my emotions were messed up, and my brain was annoying me! And I was tired. I used to be able to play the bells better. I used to be the sort of musician that could play well without too much practice. "Naturally gifted." But now, I guess I've joined the same playing field most people work from. Rats.

I wonder if I could skip my meds just the day of (or day before) the event so that I wont be so tired. But I somehow doubt that would work.

Then there is the beloved (not!) trouble falling asleep. Tired all day and when I try to sleep, the upset part of my brain starts talking. And talking. So I add music, or I retry reading. I eat something in case that will help. I read with my eyes half closed to get as close to sleep as I can before I stop reading. And then, misteriously, I'm not sure what worked, but I fell asleep. Thank God.

I think I'm being complainy. (I think that should be a word.) I'm thankful for... work, "my" kids (that I work with), knitting, dvds to watch, knitting, dvds to watch, knitting, and... friends.

I have found that if I do two things at once, my brain behaves fairly well. But if I'm only doing one thing, my brain can run into trouble. Hence, knitting and dvds together. Using an excersize machine and watching tv simultaneously. Watching six or more toddlers simultaneously (welcome to the world of child care) and sometimes with help, and sometimes talking to the other grown up. Driving is trouble; the radio only counts as part of a second activity, leaving room for my brain to get into trouble. Walking, just walking, asks for trouble, too. Writing takes more brain space/energy, so this isn't so bad, except that I type about what bothers me.

1 comment:

  1. I simply love the word "Rats" in this context. Nobody uses it much anymore, which is a shame. I will try to throw it into conversations in my life in the near future.