unreasonably rational

I'm in another day-at-a-time stage. Each day, I make it through that day. Tomorrow I get to see my therapist again. Excited for that. Next week I get to see Mr. Psychiatrist again. Excited for that, also. I guess that kind of implies I'm not completely in the day-at-a-time stage. My thoughts wonder what's really going on in my brain. Do I think thoughts because I am depressed, or should I be controlling those thoughts, in which case, I hopefully wouldn't be depressed. Because Psychiatrist the first told me my thoughts were a bad habit, not merely a symptom of depression. (See, I can leave a Psychiatrist and/or a therapist, but that doesn't mean I forget what they said.) Let's worry about this for a good long while (just kidding). Okay, so what else should I think about? How I'm not doing so well in my 3 credit class? How I'm a bit worried about that? How I'm not working tomorrow morning, so I'm afraid my depression will grow even more. How... Let...

Twas the day after Easter, and all over town, The people were praying that sunshine be found. The rain, it was falling, the gutters were full, The people walked slowly, their faces were dull. All mammals but people lay snug in their beds, While visions of sleep danced in most people's heads. And the Easter bunny hopped down in it's hole "I didn't expect this to be the North Pole!" The children were anxious, they wanted to play, But because of the mud, they were stuck in all day. Oh, the teachers and parents, they let out a sigh. Rainy April to all, and may winter please, please fly (away). Thanks to Clement Clarke Moore for inspiring me almost two hundred years ago. And yes, his version was much happier. But I am happier also after writing another Christmas/Easter, rainy/complainy song. So there.

It's raining. And cold. And the end of April. Poor me. Boohoo. Etc. Actually, I want to sleep. I feel so tired! And I already took my cat nap, so I should probably stay awake. Still have jazz dance class tonight (but the semester's almost over!). May I get through it without feeling lightheaded and especially without my head buzzing. Actually, I think there's some rebellious part of me that WANTS me to feel bad and WANTS me to need to change medications and WANTS me to be bad enough to take a break from the four or five hours I work four days a week. REALLY?!? Maybe it's just because I want to feel better than this. But what if this is normal? What of all mentally healthy people feel this way alot, too? So my angry mind turns against itself. Intentional mental torture (that isn't even Exposure Response Prevention). Oh, well. I can watch a movie or read a book to shut my brain up, eat supper, go to my class, get all hot and overheated, get a migraine, possibly get li...

For my college class, I was supposed to make an observation at least 15 minutes long. I made one...13 minutes long! I'm so annoyed! I think I'll have to re-do it. So then I told myself I could go to the library for fun. I'm not ready to give up all hope of working 40 hour weeks and going overseas for extended periods of time. I hope I won't have to. I'm still young; surely I can beat the ocd and it's good friend depression (and the randomly labeled, i'm not sure which labels are official, anxiety issues that don't count as ocd). But there aren't any guarentees. Some people may gain most of their abilities back. Some may sssllllowwwly rebuild. Some might never again work 40 hour weeks. And that is okay. I can kind of understand - expecially while I remain unable to work a 40 hour week. But I'm not going to give up, because for me in my situation at my age with my problems, I think I might be able to go back to 40 hour work weeks and even travel to...

My depressive/obsessive thoughts have returned; they didn't disappear on Monday. But they are still not too intense. Just approaching a yellow light situation, not yet to red but not still in green. And then, my sister asked me a question Sunday night that I don't know how to answer. I miss this place where I worked for two school years. I've been back in my 'home' State for the last four school years. But that doesn't stop my missing it. I tried to go back, but it didn't work out last year. If my depression and ocd and anxiety stablized, maybe I could look into going back to that school to work again. Then my sister says, well, maybe part of the depression is because of this unanswered question about that school/place. But it's hard to answer while my depression etc. is still going like it is. It feels like a trap. Like if the cars lined up going one way are stopped waiting for the front car to be able to turn accross traffic, but the cars going the oth...

The problem with having some great days is that when the next set of bad days comes, I'm nolonger as used to dealing with my depressive/obsessive thoughts. It's one thing to have them reliably for months. It's another to have 5 good days and think I'm passed that and then have it come back. I kind of knew it probably would, but I was hoping. Hoping that miraculously the medications and therapy have kicked in enough that I became a normal person again. Dreams. Of being healthy enough that I didn't need to go to the support group and could meet with peers from church instead. Of not having to go to the psychiatrist so often. Of being able to work afternoons and not just mornings. Of having the depressive/obsessive thoughts disappear. They were getting less; why not hope? And the good time lasted four and a half days! That's pretty long for me. But now that I start slipping back, I'm afraid of how strong the depressive/obsessive thoughts will get. I've had ...

I have a library fine. A really late book. And I didn't know it. Now I'm the kind of horrible person that gets $7.99 fines. News like that reverses my good mood. Suddenly the icky feeling about myself comes back. Suddenly, life is just too hard. But then, in an hour or so (or when I bring said book back), I should feel better again. I've been doing really good on rebeling against OCD. It's threats weren't as unbearable. I think the SSRI might be working. And/or therapy, and/or I just naturally improved. Of course, getting my income tax return and paying off my credit card probably has a good bit to do with my good mood. So nice when I don't have that debt in addition to the hospital bill that the county paid off that I need to repay to the county. So now, I don't have a negative number of dollars (except for said hospital bill), and I want to spend money! Flip-flops, two pairs for Sundays (they are nice and were on sale), and then I was having trouble decidi...

I am sick. I tried to blame it on anemia, not-allergies, and imagination and anxiety, but at the end of the week, my throat really does hurt (and I don't think that's listed in symptoms of anemia). And I'm really tired. And my depression decided to quite giving me a break just because the inside of my head sometimes feels like it's spinning (and it buzzes while it does that, sometimes). For a bit, the whole waves of lightheadedness and buzzing thing distracted my depression and shut it up. Worrying about anemia and giving blood for tests three times in two weeks helped distract me, too. But far be it from my depression to leave for too long. Come medication, puzzles, movies, health issues, and sleep, my depression will come back to great me. Or is it an OCD obsession? I don't know and I don't really care, I just want it to SHUT UP. I want to be okay with living, even if I have to live another sixty or eighty years. Happy with the idea would be great. I want to b...

A college admissions counselor (or something like that) talked to me yesterday. I hope he was as amused as I was. Really, maybe I shouldn't have agreed to talk to him. Because I have the wrong answers. " Why do you want to get a bachelor's degree?" "I don't know." "It looks like you'll have to decide soon." "Uh, no. I've had my AA for two years." "Then what have you been doing?" (In addition to working? I already told you about those one-year-olds I care for.) "I did a semester with this college, a class from another Christian college, and two semesters, two classes, with this other college." (And I never did figure out how I wanted to say that I was working on getting through depression, and that took alot of my time and energy. So he is still oblivious, probably to his relief.) "Oh, this college does competency based accreditation. That can be hard." "Uh, yeah, I know. I did well. I got ...

I'm hungry. That's a good thing. A very good thing. Yesterday, after not eating for thirteen hours so they could get their blood sample from me to do tests I can't remember, I got kind of sick. The new, lightheaded thing. But I had a special variation last night; a buzzing sound/feeling would leap through my head, sometimes a few times in a row, and then leave. But it sometimes (but not always) threw my vision off a bit, too. A bit of a spinning world thing. And I could have that sensation while lying down; it wasn't limmited to when I stood up. But thank God, today the lightheaded, spinning headed, thing went away long enough for work. There was a moment when I determined that I should eat lest the lightheaded thing return. And now I shouldn't wait too long before my lunch or I might end up missing my class tonight... My boss spoke brilliantly to me today. She said that the longer I didn't hear from the doctor, the better the news was, because if it was really ...

The allergy specialist didn't find any allergies, but did notice mild anemia. I wasn't surprised; I've had iron supplements before, including when I was a kid. I didn't even want to follow up with my regular doctor. But Mr. Psychiatrist said it was important, so I did. And guess what; this time it's more than low iron. This time he found that my red blood cells aren't living long enough, silly things. But its still just mild anemia. And he was going to check if any of my medications could be responsible for that. (And put me on iron supplements; boring and easy.) I just looked online and guess what; any one of the three psychiatric medications I'm taking could potentially give me anemia (in very rare circumstances). And here I thought the medications were working out. Oh, and researching online, I can blame any residual congestion from my colds/flus/ear infections/non-allergies on one or the other medication - I forget which one(s). Oh, and even after I stop...