Friday, April 22, 2011

hope, snow, and sarcastic comments

For my college class, I was supposed to make an observation at least 15 minutes long. I made one...13 minutes long! I'm so annoyed! I think I'll have to re-do it. So then I told myself I could go to the library for fun.

I'm not ready to give up all hope of working 40 hour weeks and going overseas for extended periods of time. I hope I won't have to. I'm still young; surely I can beat the ocd and it's good friend depression (and the randomly labeled, i'm not sure which labels are official, anxiety issues that don't count as ocd). But there aren't any guarentees. Some people may gain most of their abilities back. Some may sssllllowwwly rebuild. Some might never again work 40 hour weeks. And that is okay. I can kind of understand - expecially while I remain unable to work a 40 hour week. But I'm not going to give up, because for me in my situation at my age with my problems, I think I might be able to go back to 40 hour work weeks and even travel to a place where they spoke a different language. Eventually.

And now, for my currant trap. Future plans/goals/etc would probably help against my depression. However, depression makes it harder to settle on future plans/goals/etc. When you live life one day at a time (as in, thinking of being alive for years is depressing, but I can handle today), it seems harder to pick goals/uncover my "dreams".

But that's okay. Since, after all, my current goal in life is to get through the weekend without any major mishaps. I can probably do that without picking what kind of a bachelor's degree I want (or if I want one at all). In fact, I might be able to put together a 500 piece puzzle, excersize, clean my room and my guinnea pig's cage (one time this week, he filled his food bowl with wood chips. What was he trying to do?). I might survive Easter (it's a holiday. Those get complicated). Oh, wait, positive expectations. I'll get through Easter okay (let's not aim for outer space by hoping for a wonderful day). Okay, I still do hope for wonderful days. I hope for a time when I actually want to live instead of putting up with living. Times when I'm content being a human on this earth. Times when my life doesn't feel awful. Times when the light outweighs the dark.

And if it snows on Easter, I will enjoy making sarcastic comments about it. ("I'm having nightmares of a white Easter. Just like the one that came last year. When the children find eggs in the sno--ow. And the wind is icey that doth blow.") (Well, at least it rhymes.)

Actually, I'm hoping the snow stops before June. Yes, indeed, snow in June, well it might be exciting to write about and make sarcastic comments about, so maybe that would be okay. Snow on the fourth of July would be interesting - wearing a winter coat on the fourth of July is not particularly unusual - at least not early or late in the day. Snow on my birthday would be irritating! Like really annoyed and laughing at the same time because it's just so funny. Snow in August? I mean not on top of mountains but down here. That doesn't sound good. August is when we get ready for fire season. Spring snow creates fire danger by letting things grow, but August precipitation might just keep things green enough to slow down a fire season. Which would be good, because burned land is exciting and scarey and sad. But August snow really doesn't sound good. September snow would be angrifying. October snow would be disturbing (the approach of winter disturbs me). Lack of snow in November would be enjoyable. Lack of snow for most of December, January, February, March, and April would be nice. And here we are in April, happy that the roads aren't icey and that most of the snow melts withing twenty four hours.

I think I'm supposed to eat food and start excersizing, all in less than an hour (and the computer is getting slow. Maybe it thinks I have typed enough already, especially since none of it was school work).

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