Friday, April 15, 2011

library fine

I have a library fine. A really late book. And I didn't know it. Now I'm the kind of horrible person that gets $7.99 fines. News like that reverses my good mood. Suddenly the icky feeling about myself comes back. Suddenly, life is just too hard. But then, in an hour or so (or when I bring said book back), I should feel better again. I've been doing really good on rebeling against OCD. It's threats weren't as unbearable. I think the SSRI might be working. And/or therapy, and/or I just naturally improved. Of course, getting my income tax return and paying off my credit card probably has a good bit to do with my good mood. So nice when I don't have that debt in addition to the hospital bill that the county paid off that I need to repay to the county. So now, I don't have a negative number of dollars (except for said hospital bill), and I want to spend money! Flip-flops, two pairs for Sundays (they are nice and were on sale), and then I was having trouble deciding between two cheap pairs for fun/during the week/when I wasn't dressed up. So I impulsively bought them both (now how's that for an answer to bug my fear of getting the wrong thing plus fear of spending too much money). So now, because I did that, I might go hungry in June. Doubtful, but just as possible as it is for a person to look exactly like an arrow sign painted on the road. Let's apply our best fight or flight responce and flee from the store (oh, no, I couldn't do that, because I still hadn't decided what to buy, and rushing a decision like that just wouldn't be okay). Funny how I can go, in the same therapy session, from, "I'm doing so much better with OCD," to, I don't even want to look at you (therapist) when I barely get the words out describing obsession #472. Of course, obsession #472 isn't one of my main obsessions. It's a new form of one, not one that gets me so often (right now). And so progress and regression meet yet again. But it only took me 24 minutes to more or less forget how bad a person I am for not returning said library book. (OK, I know, it really isn't that bad to be late returning a library book.)

3 comments:

  1. I always have some library fine at any given time. It's currently up to $2.75, I think. :) I like to think of it as supporting the library, and since I love the library, it's a good thing, not a bad one!

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  2. That's a nice way to frame it. I just helped support the library. (I'd gotten to $7.99 and when it's that high, they can refuse computer use and checking out books.)

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  3. I always felt like slinking into the library with my overdue books, since I was once a librarian, and it's like the shame is compounded since "I should know better." But I also know that people forget to bring books back, and that action is not a determinant of their worth as a person--I was much kinder to my library patrons than to myself!

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