Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Yellow light

My depressive/obsessive thoughts have returned; they didn't disappear on Monday. But they are still not too intense. Just approaching a yellow light situation, not yet to red but not still in green.

And then, my sister asked me a question Sunday night that I don't know how to answer. I miss this place where I worked for two school years. I've been back in my 'home' State for the last four school years. But that doesn't stop my missing it. I tried to go back, but it didn't work out last year. If my depression and ocd and anxiety stablized, maybe I could look into going back to that school to work again. Then my sister says, well, maybe part of the depression is because of this unanswered question about that school/place. But it's hard to answer while my depression etc. is still going like it is. It feels like a trap. Like if the cars lined up going one way are stopped waiting for the front car to be able to turn accross traffic, but the cars going the otherway are also stopped, waiting for the front car to turn accross traffic. And neither car can turn because of the cars lined up on the other side of the road. I've thought about that several times, but it hasn't yet - quite - happened in my experience. But what if? I'm so good at asking that question, why not ask it about that, too.

But I don't have an answer about my future. I don't know what I should be doing 4 months from now or two years or four years. I do have a goal; to get more mentally stable. But what I want my bachelor's degree to be in (or if I'll pursue a bachelor' degree in the near future), these are questions I haven't settled on an answer for. I can't be frozen now because of something I maybe should or maybe shouldn't do in the future. I've got to live now. Maybe that's called mindfulness or something like that. :) I can think of handling today much easier than the-rest-of-my-life.

1 comment:

  1. I've let go of planning for my future or trying to set long term goals. It feels so much better. Maybe some people are motivated by that but it just feels like a whole lot of PRESSURE to me. I have some things that I would like to do, but that's it. Other than that - I take my life one day (month?) at a time. I have no idea where I'll be working next year.

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