Sunday, April 17, 2011
I'll be okay
The problem with having some great days is that when the next set of bad days comes, I'm nolonger as used to dealing with my depressive/obsessive thoughts. It's one thing to have them reliably for months. It's another to have 5 good days and think I'm passed that and then have it come back. I kind of knew it probably would, but I was hoping. Hoping that miraculously the medications and therapy have kicked in enough that I became a normal person again. Dreams. Of being healthy enough that I didn't need to go to the support group and could meet with peers from church instead. Of not having to go to the psychiatrist so often. Of being able to work afternoons and not just mornings. Of having the depressive/obsessive thoughts disappear. They were getting less; why not hope? And the good time lasted four and a half days! That's pretty long for me. But now that I start slipping back, I'm afraid of how strong the depressive/obsessive thoughts will get. I've had good days between my aweful days. At least I think I have had them. Now, here's for hoping that this is just weekend blues and Monday I'll recover. Sometimes its hard to work up those positive expectations. What if I'm let down again? But just like I tell a crying two-year-old, "you'll be okay," I must tell myself the same thing. It might be a lie, but it's worth the risk to have those words spoken. I'll be okay.