Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'll be okay

The problem with having some great days is that when the next set of bad days comes, I'm nolonger as used to dealing with my depressive/obsessive thoughts. It's one thing to have them reliably for months. It's another to have 5 good days and think I'm passed that and then have it come back. I kind of knew it probably would, but I was hoping. Hoping that miraculously the medications and therapy have kicked in enough that I became a normal person again. Dreams. Of being healthy enough that I didn't need to go to the support group and could meet with peers from church instead. Of not having to go to the psychiatrist so often. Of being able to work afternoons and not just mornings. Of having the depressive/obsessive thoughts disappear. They were getting less; why not hope? And the good time lasted four and a half days! That's pretty long for me. But now that I start slipping back, I'm afraid of how strong the depressive/obsessive thoughts will get. I've had good days between my aweful days. At least I think I have had them. Now, here's for hoping that this is just weekend blues and Monday I'll recover. Sometimes its hard to work up those positive expectations. What if I'm let down again? But just like I tell a crying two-year-old, "you'll be okay," I must tell myself the same thing. It might be a lie, but it's worth the risk to have those words spoken. I'll be okay.

2 comments:

  1. I totally agree. Isn't it horrible coming "down" from some great days? And so funny - though we rationally know that OCD and depression are chronic - we always think that miraculously we will be cured and never have to deal with these problems again. Wishful thinking. The moderator of the Pure O OCD Yahoo group had some good comments to say about that - mostly relating to mindfulness. So happy for you that you had some great days!!! And - you've got support to get you through the yucky ones too. :o)

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  2. Having it come back really sucks, in part because I do a lot of "all or nothing" thinking, and assume if it comes back, then it's back for good. I've been working on practicing expecting the thoughts to come back--my despairing panic at them coming back made them all the more powerful. So yes, please tell yourself you will be ok--even if it doesn't feel like it, you will be ok.

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