Saturday, April 9, 2011

sick

I am sick. I tried to blame it on anemia, not-allergies, and imagination and anxiety, but at the end of the week, my throat really does hurt (and I don't think that's listed in symptoms of anemia). And I'm really tired. And my depression decided to quite giving me a break just because the inside of my head sometimes feels like it's spinning (and it buzzes while it does that, sometimes). For a bit, the whole waves of lightheadedness and buzzing thing distracted my depression and shut it up. Worrying about anemia and giving blood for tests three times in two weeks helped distract me, too. But far be it from my depression to leave for too long. Come medication, puzzles, movies, health issues, and sleep, my depression will come back to great me. Or is it an OCD obsession? I don't know and I don't really care, I just want it to SHUT UP. I want to be okay with living, even if I have to live another sixty or eighty years. Happy with the idea would be great. I want to be a little more like people my age and lament the fact that I don't have a boyfriend (instead I am relieved and uninterested; that would sure complicate my depression/obsession). And I want to be healthy. I want to go for months without getting a cold or a flu or a misterious illness. And definately without the lightheaded/buzzing/scarey sensation. My doctor blamed said sensation on my anemia. Sure, maybe. But what if it is a problem with my left inner ear? I've studied just enough about it to be concerned. And I haven't even done an internet research recently. My left ear rings. There is a fancy word for that. But I'd need to check the word on the internet. Basically, I spend most of my time intentionally not noticing when one or both of my ears is ringing lest it begin to drive me crazy. So far, this has worked. Please do not alert my OCD, because I know it could have fun with that. Today I moved really slowly. Slept later than I usually sleep on a Saturday (without seeing the clock, giving in, and going back to sleep). I finally put on day clothes and left the house after three. Maybe I'm spreading my germs. From my sore throat. Which we don't know it's cause. Maybe it's strep. But I doubt it, because I don't tend to get strep. But I felt afraid of the buzzing, spinning head sensation. When will it come today? It seems I can delay it by avoiding stress and by having eaten red meat the night before. That might put it off until really late tonight. But I'm worried about it, so it might come sooner. Yes, it might be really close. I should breath relaxing breaths and hurry home, so that my lightheadedness only takes place in my appartment. Will I go to church tomorrow? And spread germs of unknown category? And ask for prayer that the doctor would figure out why my red blood cells are deserting me too early, without the Dr. having to order any more tests? I have mixed feelings about my hopes. My depression's feelings aren't so mixed at all. I'm doing a puzzle again. 504 pieces. From the dollar store. I'm getting close to the end, but I was a little bit stuck when I left my puzzle to take a nap before I left to go to the library.

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