Monday, April 25, 2011

It's raining

It's raining. And cold. And the end of April. Poor me. Boohoo. Etc.

Actually, I want to sleep. I feel so tired! And I already took my cat nap, so I should probably stay awake. Still have jazz dance class tonight (but the semester's almost over!). May I get through it without feeling lightheaded and especially without my head buzzing. Actually, I think there's some rebellious part of me that WANTS me to feel bad and WANTS me to need to change medications and WANTS me to be bad enough to take a break from the four or five hours I work four days a week. REALLY?!?

Maybe it's just because I want to feel better than this. But what if this is normal? What of all mentally healthy people feel this way alot, too?

So my angry mind turns against itself. Intentional mental torture (that isn't even Exposure Response Prevention). Oh, well. I can watch a movie or read a book to shut my brain up, eat supper, go to my class, get all hot and overheated, get a migraine, possibly get lightheaded and have my head buzz, too, and go home and despaire over the thought of making myself take a shower, skip the shower, and go to bed. Ahhh, sleep, how I long for you.

Okay, messaging in Spanish perks me up (it challenges my brain, but it's not for college). Don't be too impressed; they are simple sentences with a potential misspellings (not to mention verb forms). And now my friend is offline. Last I saw him, he was a little kid. Why do people change without me? (Okay, so staying the same for four years really wouldn't be good, either, I just... miss him.) Oh, and I actually got the wrong word, not just a misspelling. But not as bad as the time I mixed up boyfriend and snow. :)

Today was a rough day at work. By lunch time I was fried, then ended up not doing the ideal job serving lunch. Somehow, I need to save part of my brain for getting lunch served the right way! (But really, why did my brain loose it in three hours? Oh, okay, so even a normal person might be frustrated after dealing with 6 to 8 eighteen to thirty month olds at once by themselves. And they weren't on their model behavior - neither was I.) Oh, well. I can try again tomorrow. But really, by lunch, I'm heavily depending on autopilot. I guess I should just reprogram the autopilot lunch service. And make my mouth open and close asking people for help. I am SO bad at telling people how they can help me.

So back to my pity party, it looks like I'm complaining again. Not me? I wouldn't do that, would I? Oh, I think it's a sin. Hmmm, what should I do now? Etc. Happy cold rainy Monday (or happy pity party - may you get some enjoyment out of it. I did.).

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