unreasonably rational

 Well, 4+ years later, and I still have the OCD/Anxiety/Depression combo. I take more psych meds than ever. I've been hospitalized twice, tried TMS, and been enrolled in two Intensive Outpatient Programs, one of which made me slightly in favor of DBT and the second, which turned me off, even though that was mostly due to one person mishandling a situation. I'm currently attending the online International OCD Foundation conference. I did in 2020, too. I don't know if I'm more agitated now, or more aware of my agitation. I like to color while listening to presentations, or even organize my house - I don't like that so much as I tend to like the results. I am a dedicated fidget-er. My Executive Function is more obviously an issue to me now. I did start a medication a couple months before I noticed it more, but the sleep doctor who prescribed it brushed off my concerns, saying people like to take it to help them study. Maybe sleep doctors aren't as aware as the psyc...

In some ways, my life has been consistent for the past three years. A good job, Princess the guinea pig. Okay, so the other guinea pig died, I changed churches, but I'm still in the same apartment, and it is still a mess. I still see the same counselor, except not this week. So it is really a jumble of new and old. But the newest change is leaving my job. I can't tell you how sad it makes me. I stay up late at night, then am exhausted at my job the next day. I love the people I work with, and I have been doing this sort of work for nearly ten years. Also, I'm the one making this decision; no one is making me do it. Now that I finally have my teaching certification coming, I want a job that requires it, or to sub for a job that requires it, so that I gain experience to gain a "certificated" position. I guess I would rather be the cause of a change, even if it leaves me asking myself, "What am I doing? Why am I bringing this uncertain change on myself!?...

It has been almost a year since I have posted! It doesn't seem that long. At this point, I have finished my masters degree (!) and am in that annoying transition time where I find out what I will (or won't) be doing with my degree as fall approaches. This particular anxiety is more of a human anxiety than a disorder. Of course I am anxious about looking for a job that would use my new degree. Who wouldn't be? (I'm sure there are some exceptional people who would not be so anxious, but I also do not think the anxiety is abnormal). Somehow, that has not made the anxiety much easier to handle. Now, it is Saturday night, my house is a wreck, and I have slept more than I've been awake in the last 12 hours - or maybe it is close to even, but not the "healthy" 8 or 9 hours sleep to more awake time. I finally did a little cleaning - not much, but a little. Then I told myself that I could put up with myself. I can stand myself a little longer, because at least ...

Today, I saw my psychiatrist. He is an interesting man. He appears very, very sure of himself and also sure of my abilities. But somehow this just resulted in me feeling unheard. When talking to a psychiatrist, I try to let down my guard to let them see in, let them know what is going on. Sometimes, they respond helpfully. But there are a few responses that I am not so fond of. Like, "You can't let that bother you in your line of work." Seriously? I give you an example of anxiety getting in my way at work, and you tell me I can't let it bother me? Well, you can't let your cough hurt your throat, doctor! (He had a cough today and said it bothered his throat. I wish I had thought of such a comment! Only, I don't know how he would respond to that kind of comment, so I guess it is just as well that I didn't. He told me that he thinks people with OCD each have their unique method that they can escape their anxiety through. I said, so you don't believe i...

When seeing my counselor this week, she commented on my anxiety being less. I was feeling quite tired, so I figured I just wasn't showing it. But then she commented on the difference between how anxious I was when I started seeing her compared to now. I've been thinking about that. When I started seeing her, I was just learning to recognize anxiety and OCD and even depression. Now, I get that yucky anxious feeling and recognize it. I think, oh, no, another anxiety attack. I know that high anxiety does not have to be normal life. I know it takes extra energy and I can recognize at least some of the times that it interferes with what I would be doing if I didn't have it. It goes back to the prescription glasses metaphor (which is actually its own true story). I think that my eyesight was pretty good when I was little; the eye doctor said I would probably need glasses later, but not yet. Time passed, and I went to a dance performance by a dance group from a different count...

Today, I did a little homework, tried to help a friend, had lunch with family, said goodbye to a family member whose visit ended, did a little shopping, had a little trouble with my parking skills, missed a friend who moved away, temporarily called it quits and curled up on my couch, worked on a puzzle, and watched Netflix. I don't know if it has to do with starting another 5 week summer session of graduate classes, or staring at the uncertainty of how I'm going to make schedules work with classes the rest of the year, or having friends move away, or just plain, stupid, depression with a side of anxiety, but I'm struggling. Trying to keep everything going, and it just isn't working to my satisfaction. But is there a satisfaction for me? I mean, would a change in circumstances really change anything? I hate depression. Or whatever it is that has my eyes leaking. I'm tired of pushing and pushing and pushing. I'm halfway through my degree, but it is stinking hard! ...

Well, I've spent many hours partially on homework. I know that sounds a bit off. But I haven't exactly been focusing the whole time. I've also been taking breaks to watch tv shows or videos or do anything that isn't homework. They say depression influences your thinking and cognitive abilities. It is, therefore, an easy scapegoat if not an actual reason I am having trouble with my homework. I'm doing okay on facts. Give me a true/false or multiple choice question on anything I've read this past month, and I can likely get the answer right (unless you ask me which article the information is from). But to summarize what I've learned? Uhhhhhhhhhhh. I know it is about what the class title says it is about. But summarize everything? Most of that information is hiding behind a gray fog. So I can pull pieces out here and there, but do I really have a good summary? And then there is the whole quality issue. Would it be devastating to get a bad grade on this pape...

I'm just recovering from bronchitis. Last week passed in a blur. I worked most days, had a fever most nights, took lots of pain reliever/fever reducer medication, got the most essential schoolwork done, and watched Netflix. I was sick enough that OCD usually left me alone. This week, I'm feeling better. Which means OCD/anxiety/depression re-enter the picture. The monsters. Today, I took off work to get more schoolwork done. And what do I do first off? I sleep through nearly the entire morning. It is quite probable that this sleep will help me get over bronchitis, thus not being a waste of time. But there is enough of a possibility that I wasted time that my anxiety has stepped in. What if sleeping in was the wrong choice? What if my boss would judge me for how I spent my time off? My coworkers? What if I don't get my homework done on time or turn in sloppy work because I wasted too much time? What if I was wrong to cancel seeing my friend with a very young baby? What if m...

Last night, I dreamed that someone broke into my garage. They mixed my stuff up and even took the garage door down. And they left me a baby. I called the police, and they already knew I had the baby. I was given a contract to sign, but I got to keep the baby, at least for now. And not too long later, I woke up, and it was Mother's Day. People are funny (funny strange). Some call every women a mother of some sort, which I can sort of go for. Someone called my job (childcare worker) that of being a professional mom. I know it is very different from having your own kids, but I can complain about potty training, too. Or putting sunscreen on toddlers. Etc. Then there is the person at church who hands you the gift being given to all mothers. I looked at her strangely because I didn't put it together that it was for mother's day. She said, "We have enough for you to have one, too." And she is a wonderful lady, and I am certain she did not in anyway mean to make me feel...

It has been a while. I guess I got tired of blogging for a while. We'll see how well I like coming back. I started putting puzzles together again. I used to think that 500 piece puzzles were too hard, but I did one yesterday and one today, so maybe those unrelated graduate classes are paying off. Change coming my way again. I struggle with change. My depression thinks it is the perfect opportunity to launch another attack of depressed cognitive distortions. And my anxiety - well, it is hard to keep track of that. Maybe it's taking a vacation. I'm hungry because I decided to eat cereal for supper. Silly me, I know better. But it was yummy. Unfortunately, now I'll have to eat something more substantial after 10pm at night, which the doctor does not recommend for acid reflux. Of course, I'm eating for my brain and to stop feeling nauseous (although I've heard that sometimes the nauseousness is actually acid reflux, not hunger). I'm putting puzzles toget...

There is plenty rattling around in my head right now. One category is election results. Four years ago, I supported a democratic president, as I did two days ago (gasp). But eight years? I can't remember for sure, but I think I voted republican. Do you realize how inconvenient this is? If I had stuck with the same party, only this election or the one eight years ago would disappoint me. But since I switched parties, I'm doubly disappointed (although I was happy with the results four years ago). So just being pragmatic, be careful about switching sides, because the presidency typically switches back and fourth between the democrats and the republicans, with grave voter concern about the potentially devastating results. Of course, this election is supposed to be "worse." But I'm thinking part of that is because this election is now, while the others are passed. That doesn't explain all of it, but it may explain some of it. And then, there is the fact that 6 ...

I don't want my mental illness to slow me down. Ever. To impose limits on what I can "handle" without too many adverse side effects. But that is not my reality. I'm struggling through the semester, doing great on paper, but not so great in person. I usually work seven hour days, but today, I took off work to do 5 hours of observation instead (I got to sleep in!). By the time I got home, my digestive system rebelled. So then I spent several hours deleting e-mails from one of my e-mail accounts. I deleted thousands of e-mails. And I did a little tiny bit of homework. And I watched TV. I love my TV time. And random internet searches. Meanwhile, my stomach slowly settled mostly down. And while it tried to settle, I wondered if I was sick, if I will be contagious tomorrow. I'm thinking it isn't contagious, but I really can't know for sure. Basically, mental illness gets in my way from working as many hours as I would like, from studying as much as I would l...

I had a hobby whereby I entered something in the fair every year, usually trying a new category, too. Last year, I missed. I might have missed the year before, too. But this year, fair entering time perfectly coincided with my summer class ending and my fall classes not yet starting. So while I was still used to putting concentrated work in after my regular job, I made some crafts. I enjoy being creative and making things that look nice. But I also don't like messing things up. The duct tape purse had some sticky moments, but turned out mostly a success, with one particularly annoying error, but I literally ran out of that print of duct tape and was not going to buy more (assuming I could even find it again). So the error persists. But maybe the judges wont notice. Card making was a little more difficult. I would put off starting working on it because I didn't want to mess things up. And when you are sticking things together, sometimes you get a re-positioning option, but...

I was trying to do schoolwork. But I don't know how to cite my source - it is some confusing web page where you aren't really sure who wrote what. Therefore, my OCD has been officially invited - or at least it acts that way. And I'm frustrated. And angry. And tired. And this stupid piece I have to write is worth hardly anything. OCD likes worthless things - they are more fun for OCD, because it adds an element of ridiculousness. Because if I'm all worked up about something inconsequential, OCD probably gets extra points. I was going to write about how I am finally starting to like my new psychiatrist - the first time I saw him, I got pretty upset. But now, I feel like he is starting to understand me better. Like when I explained how I feel morally guilty for not finding a better paying job. I know that isn't quite logical, but OCD likes that, too. Extra points, you know. And then the Psychiatrist starts saying something about how he hopes eventually that I'm a...

Well, friends, I have good news. I'm taking online classes again. And do you know what that means? It means I'll be online more often, and looking for ways to procrastinate that aren't fully counter productive. For example, this post. I really have to write a brief essay in response to a question that I think can be thoroughly answered in one sentence. It is due in just under four hours, but since I can usually write a page an hour and this essay does not have a specified length (the usual length for papers in this class is between one and two pages), then I should be able to write it easily in two hours or less. Which would be easy enough once I get inspired. So how do you flesh out a single sentence answer? I seem to be quite capable of wordiness on my blog. I guess I like the sound of my own writing voice. But when I'm writing a paper to be graded, my perfectionism kicks in. Perfectionism applies a little bit to this blog; I'm still capable of obsessing over ...

My newest psychiatrist gave me an "as needed" medication for anxiety. But i have to be home (or not needing to drive for a while) for at least the first time i take this medication. So I'm not sure when I'll actually take it. I could use it right now, though. I'm getting work done on my car - I think it will be around $500. And it's not a safety issue yet. It's easier to decide safety issues than issues that just make your car have strange sounds. And then trying to decide how much to have done - front struts or all four? I'm settling for front struts, but in an ideal world, I'd get them all done. Of course in that ideal world, i would buy a younger car, so i guess i shouldn't worry so much. I'm not sure if writing out decisions could become a compulsion, because it makes me feel better to write it out. I don't think it's a compulsion (with the exception of reassurance- seeking), because I rarely write this stuff out. Therefore, w...

I don't like days when you are supposed to feel a certain way. Well, i somewhat like Christmas, because i made my own celebration, which i happen to like. But Easter, i mean, how could you not be happy remembering that Jesus rose from the dead. Well, that's easy; there are other things going on. Sorting out all sorts of thoughts, some happy some sad. And the weather; sometimes it's cloudy and dark here, then other times the sun shines. Tomorrow, i see a new psychiatrist. The last nurse practitioner, the latest med change is helping a lot. But the way she runs her practice, i can't just see her for med management; i have to see her for counseling, too. But i already have a counselor. So I'm trying this new (to me) psychiatrist. But then i try to figure out ahead of time how to condense all my mental illness experience and previous treatment into one hour; less than an hour once you take into account what he might say. Actually, i should relax a bit; psychiatrists...

I want to write a Facebook rant, but i think that probably wouldn't be wise. I am "friends" with too many people who might disagree with me, and I'm afraid one or two of them might make a hurtful comment, and I'm really not up for any of those. The blog seems a bit safer, because I'm pretty sure those people won't find my blog. And if someone i don't know has a hurtful comment? Well, it doesn't hurt so bad coming from a stranger. I want to talk about these "free government handouts" that are supposed to perpetuate "laziness." I really wonder if most of these criticizers are picturing actual humans with individual stories and complicating factors, or if they just picture a faceless blob of annoying people taking money out of their pockets. I want to put some faces into that blob. Which means mine, because it isn't very nice to sick up other people's faces onto a spot receiving so much stigma. I remember when i got food...

Well, the holidays are here! My dad likes to have everybody share new year's resolutions or goals for the new year and thanksgivings ( or how we did on last year's goals). And i dread it. So i thought i'd go ahead and get the sarcastic version out of the way and hope I'm feeling better when the real day comes. Thanksgivings: I'm thankful that I'm alive - no, wait, maybe not. I'm thankful for psych meds. I just wish the ones i take would work better. I'm truly thankful that the latest medication doesn't have me lying in bed afraid I'll throw up. There! Look at that! A real whole-hearted thanksgiving! Now if only psych med conversations weren't a bit on the taboo side. But that's why I'm writing here, so i can be free of such restrictions. Goals... "Stay alive" is the one my counselor mentioned when guessing what my goals might be. Well, i was kind of in more than a bad mood, so i wasn't sure i agreed even with that. Bu...

Well, i tried the new antidepressant and i felt sick. Like bad enough i didn't want to take it again and have to work the next day. So this week, just reminding myself that I'm currently free of those side effects is enough to make me a bit happier. But i called my psychiatrist-for-now. It took him over 48 hours to call back, but he did. And he was nice. Somehow, people surprising me by how nice and understanding they are can leave me feeling almost like crying. He said if he were me, he wouldn't want to try the medication again. (He also said that medication was my last great option - if it didn't work, we have other combinations to try, so not hopeless, but as "the last great option", it would make sense to try to put up with moderate side effects. I'm not sure how disturbed i should be by that comment, so i think I'll just chalk it down as an intriguing observation.) He basically said he would respect whatever choice i made, whether to try the med...