unreasonably rational

I guesssometimes I'm not very objective. The word makes me think of stepping back and seeing a more accurate picture. Like being reminded by my counselor that, even though I don't like the feeling of being angry, really, I'm pretty mild when I'm angry. So glad I got to see my counselor again. It's been like three weeks, which translates to very long in my current state of mind. So helpful to have her to say, no, you shouldn't cancel your psychiatrist appointment just because you are "mad at him". And are you more angry with him, or with feeling the way you do for so long? Yeah. So it's hard for me to admit that being moderately depressed isn't fun despite the improvement from severly depressed. It's frustrating to feel like I feel no better and maybe worse than I felt right before I started medications. Okay, some better and some worse. Net effect doesn't seem worth the dollars I pay for the medication. Ah, well. And my general health d...

Sometimes my mood flipflops way to fast. Today, I switch from cheerful to angry in almost no time. Like medication refills for Psych meds. "They say," you have to take your medication. Don't miss your doses. And then the pharmacy says it will have your prescription in time and then tells you, oh, sorry, we're out of stock!!!! Like really! So then, because I was mad, and out of 40mg fluoxetine, I transfered my prescription to another pharmacy that has that in. But it will cost me 16 extra dollars. I don't usually spend 16 dollars just because I'm angry. I could have just taken 3 20mg fluoxetine pills. But no, I transfered my prescription. So there! It's not like fluoxetine is a rarely used drug! Why can't you have it in stock? Okay, so it did snow alot today, but this is my second "oh, we're out of stock" experience with this pharmecy, so I'm still frustrated. And frustrated because the kids language-learning dvd had words that didn...

I survived Christmas. Actually, I enjoyed it. Not to say my brain never irritated me, but over all I enjoyed it. And today I am exhausted. It would seem that the stress of the holidays is real. Stressful to be around people in a way that isn't in my normal routine. Doesn't mean I don't love them. Doesn't mean they don't love me. Just means that non-normal is stressful to me (and normal is stressful, too). I'm hoping I get to go to counseling this week. It's been awhile. It's scheduled, so hopefully it will happen. And now I'm going to look for a movie instead of playing the "lets solve the mental problem that I'm sure is there and I forgot/don't yet know what it is" game. I can do this!

I was enjoying a lovely lemon cookie when... in popped the "brilliant" idea that maybe there was alcohol in the cookie and when I drove home, I'd be drunk driving. Maybe I'd get pulled over and the policeman wuold ask if I'd been drinking and how could I answer that since maybe the cookie had alcohol in it? I finished the cookie, but the pleasure level just wasn't the same after that. Stupid OCD. My counselor missed two weeks of counseling, so I decided I'd better toughen up and work on this, because I was somewhat convinced that the pain of unchecked ocd was worse than the prospect of Exposure Response Prevention. So I wrote up a new exposure hierarchy and gave myself some exposures to work on. Going okay, so far (I didn't put any TOO hard exposures on, don't worry. I like success). Now I must return to work. :( A few more hours and then I get a long weekend. I can handle this!

So it's no great secret that OCD can shift from one area to another. As my roommate says, I don't wash my hands as much. And that's not the only OCD area that causes me less anxiety currently. But it seems that the OCD just crawles back in another, preferably unidentified area. Like reassurance. Like I want lots and lots of reassurance and I will do my best to get it from the people around me and/or from myself. "Figure it out" and/or reassure. Somehow regain that sense of peace that (maybe I imagine that) I had. Research, study, reassure, figure out. Sermon at church today on peace. Last week was Joy, and I did okay; the pastor specified that joy wasn't the same as happiness, so I didn't have to worry about my fleeting happy feelings. But peace? Do I have peace? Oh, lets start checking now! Not! I am pretty sure that I need to just take the risk in the religous area of my life. Let's go for response prevention (I sure don't feel like seeking out e...

First I was struck with the brilliant idea for a blog post. It went like this: I do not have repetitive thoughts. I do NOT have repetitive thoughts. I do not have repetitive thoughts. I DO NOT have repetitive thoughts. And if I say repetitive too many times, I wonder if I'm saying it right (the word itself is repetitive in the "etiti" part). So that was sarcastic and funny and not a problem. Then, someone suggested to me that since I can work and live life ("function"), I don't actually have obsessive compulsive disorder but rather have obsessive compulsive tendencies. Which actually matches what the Psychiatrist said a bit better ("obsessive compulsive symptoms"). And then, with the disorder I "don't" have, my brain started going crazy! Do I not actually have OCD? Am I no better than the people who claim OCD when they hang up Christmas decorations and live the rest of their life symptom free? Have I been lying to people, saying I ha...

http://www.christianadhd.com/anxiety.php This is what I found today in my search for info on anxiety disorders and Christianity. I'm sure there's more, but it's enough for today. I don't personally quite accept that having an anxiety disorder is in itself a sin, but have been confused about it. This article seemed decent, though too short (or shall I just remind myself that reassurance rarely shuts up the voice of OCD?). Today I went to the Dr. for another ear infection. I'm usually relieved that I actually have something identifiably wrong when I go to the doctor, because I don't like paying money to be told I have a cold. So I was satisfied with today's visit - not a complete waste of money, and maybe I'll feel better soon. And when I realize that I am legitimately physically sick not in the depression/anxiety sense, then I feel relieved that part of how I'm feeling should go away in a few days. Being sufficiently negative, I told the receptionist ...

My therapist said I overthought things. Duh. That is a common thought. But stopping overthinking is another matter. Maybe I compulsively overthink. Maybe I have to resist it. Lately, I've been half thinking I didn't have OCD. Maybe wishful thinking. But when I wrote it out in my journal last night, it at least made sense. Thinking until things "make sense" is what I like. It made sense that if I really didn't have OCD, but just thought I did, thereby giving myself some symptoms, then if I could stop thinking I had OCD, I would stop having symptoms. One counselor I went to said something about my greatest problem was worrying about worrying, so if I could just stop that, I'd be fine; I "wasn't as messed up as I thought I was," she said. So, with my usual slow and obnoxious overthinking, I have taken a month or so to slowly conclude that MAYBE she was right and I didn't have so much OCD and I brought this on myself by thinking I have a problem ...

Work is going better - I don't feel shakey by my lunch break anymore. :) My depression is a bit better, too, but not all better (it hasn't been all better in a very long time, so what a surprize). I have started drinking coffee in an attempt to help myself be awake at the start of work. I think it works because I can get through the first part of the first hour at work without yawning excessively (though this does not work for the entire 8 hours of work). It was funny debating with myself about "becoming dependent on coffee." I can rely on prescription medication to stabilize my mood, medication that costs around 60 dollars a week, but do I want to depend on caffeine? No! I don't want to be "addicted" to coffee! But then again, I want to be awake for work, and really, caffeine is probably much less of an issue than my prescription medication. It was just funny that it bothered my brain so much to give in and drink coffee. My most humorous moment of menta...

I survived the work week. The new job and my depression didn't get along well, or maybe they got along too well. Either way, it's been a harder week. Even if I am just supposed to say I've had a few bad days instead of saying I seem to have slipped down hill a little bit. Being mad at one's therapist is probably not the most helpful state. But really, I'm more mad at me and mad at the mental illness that I've got. Mad at my unhelpful thoughts. Mad that I have to try to change them but that that seems hopeless. I was amused this week because I was indecisive enough to worry the doctor. :) My tongue was bothering me, so I called twice about it at the beginning of the week (he knows I have anxiety trouble, so why pretend I don't? Oh, I know, I don't want it to become a compulsion). When I was told I'd have to come in for more information, I decided to wait. Especially because my counselor kind of reprimanded me for going with my ear infection to my not-...

It would seem that most of my good moods are away from the computer. Oh, well. I went from being happy about work on my way to counseling to agreeing with my counselor that I didn't feel like I "deserved" food (I don't want to eat - but I still eat, so don't worry) to being depressed about work... I didn't eat a full lunch in there, so maybe we can blame low blood sugar, or my general moodiness, or my look-on-the-dark-side tendency, or my "lack of sleep" last night (merely around 7 1/2 hours). Or whatever you feel like. My ear that still isn't clear. My hand that cracked from being too dry (contamination fears here we come!!! Now I can worry about spreading diseases that I don't even have, all because of a crack on my hand). The fact that I still haven't eaten a full lunch (yes, I ate a partial lunch) (yes, I know that wasn't my smartest move)(yes, I think I've said this before, but I do like putting parentheses one after another ...