Saturday, December 11, 2010

overthinking and Christainity with ocd

My therapist said I overthought things. Duh. That is a common thought. But stopping overthinking is another matter.

Maybe I compulsively overthink. Maybe I have to resist it.

Lately, I've been half thinking I didn't have OCD. Maybe wishful thinking. But when I wrote it out in my journal last night, it at least made sense. Thinking until things "make sense" is what I like. It made sense that if I really didn't have OCD, but just thought I did, thereby giving myself some symptoms, then if I could stop thinking I had OCD, I would stop having symptoms. One counselor I went to said something about my greatest problem was worrying about worrying, so if I could just stop that, I'd be fine; I "wasn't as messed up as I thought I was," she said. So, with my usual slow and obnoxious overthinking, I have taken a month or so to slowly conclude that MAYBE she was right and I didn't have so much OCD and I brought this on myself by thinking I have a problem when I really don't. Actually, I'm pretty sure that isn't accurate. In response to my "I'm pretending I don't have OCD" comment, my therapist said sarcastically, "well, that's a helpful thought."

What if. Key words in OCD, I know, but just pretend it's not OCD and "what if" it goes away? What if?

But then my stupid anxiety jumps up and grabs me about something stupid, an out of proportion response, and I go, grrrr, maybe I have a problem.

I'm "used to" being sick with a cold/sinus infection/allergies. I spend months this way, having maybe a week or few good days between one illness and the next (working in a day care doesn't really help that). It's a way of life, but I wish it wasn't so.

The anxiety, I used to be accustomed to it. It used to be normal life. Then I dared question it, dared hope that life could be better than what my depression and anxiety handed me. This lead to discouragement, because even though I think I should be able to significantly improve, I feel like I'm not improving enough.

I want the anxiety to go away! I want to stop having to fight through it!

My therapist said that now I am "behaviorally" like I was when I first started coming, before the medication challenges when I got worse. Now I'm extremely tired, but the difference is that now I expect a day when I'm not so tired. Now I don't accept the depression as "just the way life is." It seems like it would be easier just to accept it. Forget it! Stop fighting it. Let the OCD eat me; who cares? Its just a figure of my imagination anyway, so it should go away if I forget it! But I can't forget it enough. And so I'm here overthinking for the millionth time. Why do I blog anyway? I'm gonna say something stupid and something bad "will" happen. Anxiety or OCD, whichever it is, still influencing my emotions.

If I could just think right! That seems to be the focus of some/one method(s) of dealing with depression and anxiety. If I can just stop my negative thoughts and think positive thoughts. If I was just a better person!!! And I want an answer. And I can't have one. So drop the compulsive overthinking! But maybe I can't. Or maybe I can, or blahblahblahblah...

Another subject, Christianity and OCD and scrupulosity. I feel like a "bad Christian" now. I have watched R-rated movies. I've worn make-up and not worn make-up, so whichever or both is sinful, I've done it. I've stopped some of the compulsive praying, but "good Christians" pray more. I mean, I lot more, like I did when I prayed compulsively. "Good Christians" enumerate their sins when requesting forgiveness. "Good Christians" read their Bible every day. "Good Christians" never feel frustrated towards God because they are more humble than that. "Good Christians" aren't depressed and I dared to get severely depressed (as if that was intentional, but see, maybe it was "my fault" because I wasn't being a "good Christian"). "Good Christians" for sure don't have anxiety disorders, because that's straight out unbiblical. I mean, at least Elijah felt depressed once, but anxiety is in the category of sin. So here I fall. I'm a Christain with depression that has reached severe (even if it's back to moderate). I have anxiety issues. And I'm sick of fighting it! Sick of making myself anxious. Sick of not feeling like I'm making more progress.

Okay, I've probably written enough. I should probably move on with my day. Control my actions even if I'm tired of trying to control my thoughts or emotions. "This will get better." It better get better, and I'm choosing to believe it will.

3 comments:

  1. Check out some of the CCEF resources. Their website, ccef.org has some great books. I was so blessed by their Christian, biblical ministry that cut through the lies I told myself about being a "good Christian." My CCEF counselor spent a lot of time working with me to get rid of guilt! Part of that was getting an accurate picture of who God is and how he relates to our suffering and pain and sin. So helpful!!!

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  2. I looked up the website ccef.org, thanks, but it's a little challenging to find the info I want on it... particularly about Christianity and anxiety disorders. It seems that depression is more accepted in Christian circles than anxiety disorders.

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  3. Abigail--I want to shake some sense into therapists who say "if you stopped worrying about worrying you'd be fine." Well, yeah, but the nature of OCD is to worry about worry--it's a sign of the disorder, and takes more than going, "oh. there's the problem, I'll stop it now." I've had a lot of struggles with the fear of not being a good person or a good Christian, and reading lots of toxic stuff on the internet about the ways in which I am damned, which I finally realized was a compulsion, a hope that if I kept searching, one of those sites would finally say I was ok. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. There is hope. I dealt with depression and anxiety and OCD from the time I was a girl, but I am getting better with exposure therapy and medication.

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