Tuesday, December 7, 2010

enjoying the humor in life

Work is going better - I don't feel shakey by my lunch break anymore. :)

My depression is a bit better, too, but not all better (it hasn't been all better in a very long time, so what a surprize).

I have started drinking coffee in an attempt to help myself be awake at the start of work. I think it works because I can get through the first part of the first hour at work without yawning excessively (though this does not work for the entire 8 hours of work). It was funny debating with myself about "becoming dependent on coffee." I can rely on prescription medication to stabilize my mood, medication that costs around 60 dollars a week, but do I want to depend on caffeine? No! I don't want to be "addicted" to coffee! But then again, I want to be awake for work, and really, caffeine is probably much less of an issue than my prescription medication. It was just funny that it bothered my brain so much to give in and drink coffee.

My most humorous moment of mental illness this week came when I asked somebody at church Sunday to pray for me. Some people at church know about my, uh, difficulties, and most people don't, but I was in the mood for prayer, so I asked somebody who was standing around waiting to pray with someone if he'd pray with me. "I'm really depressed and I want to die," I said. And the look on his face was something! I think I sometimes forget that most people want to live. Sunday afternoon I had my anti-anxiety -you're-not-allowed-to-drive-for-eight-hours medication. Usually I don't have it, but if my brain is REALLY bugging me and I don't have to go anywhere for eight hours and I don't have to work for more like 16 hours, then I can take it. Cry that my brain isn't more cooperative and then take the stupid medication! I hadn't taken it since Oct 31st, so I think I'm doing okay. It slowed my brain down to a tolerable pace and I watched two movies. And I have to think extra hard to remember what they were because I can't remember so well when I take that medication. Ummmm, ummm, what were they? "Because I said so" and "Two weeks notice." There! I can remember!

I have now completed two complete books of word searches since I "won" the first one playing bingo in the "behavioral health unit" of the hospital. That's about six weeks per book if I spent the same amount of time on each. I started the third one today. It's a nice brain-organizing activity. I intend to keep it up for a while, until my mental health is better.

Now I can go visit my friend, and maybe pick up my million dollar medication that makes me soooo sleepy.

Oh, last night, I actually fell asleep like "normal" instead of like I'm-depressed/anxious-and-its-interupting-my-sleep. It was lovely! But it left me soo tired. What's that about? I had trouble waking up to my second alarm (the first was the radio and didn't wake me at all), reinterpreting the second alarm as part of my dream until it's persistance woke me.

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