I miss my blog

First I was struck with the brilliant idea for a blog post. It went like this:

I do not have repetitive thoughts.

I do NOT have repetitive thoughts.

I do not have repetitive thoughts.

I DO NOT have repetitive thoughts.

And if I say repetitive too many times, I wonder if I'm saying it right

(the word itself is repetitive in the "etiti" part).

So that was sarcastic and funny and not a problem.

Then, someone suggested to me that since I can work and live life ("function"), I don't actually have obsessive compulsive disorder but rather have obsessive compulsive tendencies. Which actually matches what the Psychiatrist said a bit better ("obsessive compulsive symptoms"). And then, with the disorder I "don't" have, my brain started going crazy! Do I not actually have OCD? Am I no better than the people who claim OCD when they hang up Christmas decorations and live the rest of their life symptom free? Have I been lying to people, saying I have OCD? Should I just avoid this person the rest of my life because maybe the person thinks I lied to them? And so on and so forth. All the way home, all the way to bed, all the way keeping me up for an extra two hours at night, all the way through attempting not to seek reassurance in the library books I had brought home (for reassurance purposes, but I was thinking about trying not to read them), all the way through giving in and seeking reassurance from two books and my room-mate. (Then I framed it as a success; I successfully put off reassurance-seeking. Possitive thinking is coming into my everyday life!) If I "don't" have OCD, why do these thoughts bother me so much?! If a person can drag themselves to work, do they not qualify as having a mental illness other than depression? (Because my having depression is not as questioned as my having OCD and OCD prefers to choose the weaker link in the argument to torment me with.) I know this isn't true. I know I have OCD even though it isn't severe. I know that it interferes sufficiently that I want my life to be better.

But maybe I'm being unrealistic; maybe this is about as good as it gets. Maybe I don't have OCD and can't get better. Maybe I'm stuck wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering the rest of my life, because maybe the wondering isn't ocd and so maybe it isn't treatable, and maybe the ERP therapy wont work for me because maybe I don't have ocd and ERP is way too hard to do it without hope of improvement.

Blah, blah, blah. Kind of like the child crying hysterically, "I don't need a nap!" Only it's me wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering if I have ocd or if I'm a terrible lyer. And really, logically, what does it matter the name of whatever problem I have?

Because maybe it's not a problem. Maybe the problem is all mine and isn't an illness at all. Maybe I'm a horrid, wrotten, hopeless person. And so on and so forth.

Really? Does this never end? And I'm on stupid medication that I don't like and still my brain can tie itself up!

I guess there is the step-off-the-merrigoround option. Response prevention. As one friend who's "been there" with OCD has often reminded me, don't try to figure it out.

I'm guessing "figuring out" is probably one of my big, less-obvious compulsions. How is the psychiatrist supposed to understand how many times my brain second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth guesses itself? How am I supposed to express that on demand in a high stress, short period of time when he talks nearly as much as I do? But does it really matter? OCD meds tend to be depression and/or anxiety meds as well, so does it really matter if he thinks I have OCD or not? My OCD (maybe I'm lying again) thinks it is terribly important, with possible catestrophic results. What these catastrephies would be, I'm not too sure. It would mean I'm hopeless, self-centered, a fake, and so on and so forth.

On a different subject, I'm making Christmas/First Day of Winter gifts (depending on who they go to and what holidays that person celebrates in what ways). I'm enjoying that. I did that for part of my un-sleeping time last night. Relaxing.

Why, when I published this post for the first time (without this comment) did I get advertised to about panick attacks? I have anxiety; I'm not sure I'd qualify as having panic attacks, and my ocd is okay with leaving that vague. I'd like advertisements about anxiety disorders. Let's see if this paragraph will change anything.

Okay, no advertising that time.