Sunday, December 19, 2010

reassurance

So it's no great secret that OCD can shift from one area to another. As my roommate says, I don't wash my hands as much. And that's not the only OCD area that causes me less anxiety currently. But it seems that the OCD just crawles back in another, preferably unidentified area.

Like reassurance. Like I want lots and lots of reassurance and I will do my best to get it from the people around me and/or from myself. "Figure it out" and/or reassure. Somehow regain that sense of peace that (maybe I imagine that) I had. Research, study, reassure, figure out.

Sermon at church today on peace. Last week was Joy, and I did okay; the pastor specified that joy wasn't the same as happiness, so I didn't have to worry about my fleeting happy feelings. But peace? Do I have peace? Oh, lets start checking now! Not! I am pretty sure that I need to just take the risk in the religous area of my life. Let's go for response prevention (I sure don't feel like seeking out exposure; that seems to come quite frequently without any help). Response prevention. That would be... not figuring it out.

So instead, I can talk about Christmas. Oh, no, that needs "figured out." Actually, for real I have to eventually decide what I'm gonna do 'cause at this rate I'll take lorazapam and hide in a movie like I did on Halloween.

Today, though, I think I'll try to paint something. For my dollhouse, I suppose. Painting gives me a peaceful feeling. Does that make it a compulsion? No, let's call it a "Pleasurable activity" that I'm supposed to be doing for homework for counseling (yes, I'm serious!). Don't "figure everything out", just live, trying to enjoy some moments.

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