Saturday, December 4, 2010

I survived the work week. The new job and my depression didn't get along well, or maybe they got along too well. Either way, it's been a harder week. Even if I am just supposed to say I've had a few bad days instead of saying I seem to have slipped down hill a little bit. Being mad at one's therapist is probably not the most helpful state. But really, I'm more mad at me and mad at the mental illness that I've got. Mad at my unhelpful thoughts. Mad that I have to try to change them but that that seems hopeless.

I was amused this week because I was indecisive enough to worry the doctor. :) My tongue was bothering me, so I called twice about it at the beginning of the week (he knows I have anxiety trouble, so why pretend I don't? Oh, I know, I don't want it to become a compulsion). When I was told I'd have to come in for more information, I decided to wait. Especially because my counselor kind of reprimanded me for going with my ear infection to my not-quite-the-cheapest-in-the-area doctor and not arguing about the price. And I don't plan to ever argue with his office or him about the price. But Friday, when both sides of my tongue joined the game, I called and went in. Simple, nothing serious, then he asks, do you want me to write the prescription down or call it in? And then my brain goes panicky and I rub my forehead and he actually asked, "are you all right?" To which I replied, I was fine, I just couldn't make decisions! I forced myself to try to answer... call it in... unless that's too much trouble, you could just write it... I don't think he heard me, I was probably rambling... Then he helped me logically evaluate it, chose for me that he would call it in, and we continued on with our lives. Driving away, I thought to myself, I "have trouble making decisions." It's a symptom of depression. I'm aware of that. I'm on medication for that. Don't worry. This is what I might have told the doctor but didn't.

I'm not good at thinking for myself and not thinking for myself at the appropriate moments. I submit when I should stand and I stand when I should submit. I forget that it's okay to disagree with your counselor on some things. I also disagree on things I should probably not disagree with. Make your brain believe something different! Really? How? I know how to change my actions - "with greaaaat difficulty", as my grandpa might have said. But it's possible. I can get out of bed when I want to be frozen. I can make myself excersize when I don't want to move. I can make myself go to work. But believe something? I can tell myself, I'm "worthy of honor" in God's sight. I forget the verse referense. I think it's Isaiah or Jeremiah. But that's my English translation of the NVI (Spanish) version of the verse. I'll believe that because it's part of my religion. So maybe that works. Then what else am I supposed to believe. "I'm just having a bad day." Okay, sure, just a really bad day, just the millionth really bad day in the last recent while. But it is just a bad day. What else? "My roommate probably won't be harmed by my breaking any ocd contamination rules. " Are you rediculous? The rules are meant to keep my brain safe. Breaking those rules means risking dangerous contamination etc. There is a possibility (in my mind at least) that something terrible might happen. I must take the risk! How dare I underestimate the risk! (I mean, it might make exposures easier or something.) Okay, arguing with myself reminds me that my brain falls short of logical.

But I think actions are easier to change than thoughts. So I can focus on actions. I can choose to go be with people. That should have a possitive effect on my thoughts.

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