Wednesday, December 1, 2010

irritable

It would seem that most of my good moods are away from the computer. Oh, well.

I went from being happy about work on my way to counseling to agreeing with my counselor that I didn't feel like I "deserved" food (I don't want to eat - but I still eat, so don't worry) to being depressed about work... I didn't eat a full lunch in there, so maybe we can blame low blood sugar, or my general moodiness, or my look-on-the-dark-side tendency, or my "lack of sleep" last night (merely around 7 1/2 hours). Or whatever you feel like. My ear that still isn't clear. My hand that cracked from being too dry (contamination fears here we come!!! Now I can worry about spreading diseases that I don't even have, all because of a crack on my hand). The fact that I still haven't eaten a full lunch (yes, I ate a partial lunch) (yes, I know that wasn't my smartest move)(yes, I think I've said this before, but I do like putting parentheses one after another after another).

My counselor said, I did great on writing down exposures and on writing out the thought challenges (thoughts, cognitive distortions, improved thoughts). But now, she said, it's important that I ... do it in my head. That I actually believe the improved thoughts. I don't feel like it. So that sounds lame. I don't feel like seeing the glass half full even though the half-empty glass has me depressed. I don't feel like eating! I don't feel like... dealing with this second bad day this week. I'm still on those medications; why can't they help a little more?

But bad days happen to everybody. My counselor said that, too.

But so I do want to get my college degree, but I still am not sure what I want it to be in! Nasty decisions, nasty budgets (or lack thereof), nasty... mood. I guess I should eat and excersize, probably in that order. Oh, and pick up a medication on my way home. Last week, I was okay with the fact that it is excessively difficult to wake up in the morning due to this medication (or depression, who knows for sure? But my depression prefers to just steal my sleep, so its probably the medication). This week, I've had to go to work early and I haven't liked it. Okay, so there's an eating issue. I don't eat soon enough to keep my stupid mood from being stupid! I have to start eating more between when I leave my home and when I finally get a lunch break maybe 6 1/2 hours later. I am aware of that. And it's slightly easier (maybe) than making my brain believe rational thoughts, so I guess it's a good place to start.

Oh, and I can't tell my ocd and anxiety and whatever else apart. I blame my ocd for calling my Christmas tree evil, and then my counselor suggests it has more to do with my upbringing. I blamed something else on ocd (or was it the same thing? I don't remember) and she said, no, that's probably anxiety. Oh, and my brain is currently proposing that I don't have OCD (around it's thoughts about how ocd is ruining my life). My brain doesn't keep it's story straight.

Why does life hurt? Why am I sad? Am I sad with cause, or without cause? Is it my perception of life that hurts? How does one change the way one sees the world when one is already depressed? With super-powers? My super-powers are tired again. The questions go on, but I guess I just need to make good choices now. Like reading other people's blogs and then going and excersizing and eating.

1 comment:

  1. Dang it I know this feeling you're describing. Even when you know what to do you just. don't. want. to. do. it.

    Have you ever read the book "Why Does It Have to Hurt?" by Dan McCartney? Great look at how to deal with the suckiness of life.

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