Wednesday, November 7, 2012

An emotional yet random day

Well, my OCD was happy with the election results. Apparently my votes aren't going to ruin the country. Big feeling of relief. The only good thing about such fears of ruining the country is that they made fears of ruining a church seem anticlimactic.

Today, I met with the music pastor of my church and played guitar and sang. Well, if it was a test, I passed it. And I told him that I'd had bad experiences with playing music and church. So now I feel good about that, at least for the moment. And he seemed quite fine with my not wanting to play all the time.

How's this; I want to play, but more because I know that it would be good for me than because I straight up want to play. It's time to take my music skills out of hiding (where they truly have been, though some things are easy to hide when people don't actively look for them).

As for the "risk" my OCD has informed me of that the church might fall apart when I play guitar in church on Sunday, well, I wont be playing this Sunday, so the church's OCD-forcasted demise can be postponed.

Today, in counseling, my counselor and I went over the exposure's I've been doing. Then we got to the point where, well, the problem wasn't so much OCD anymore. I was back to the sadness of the past, perhaps "reliving" experiences from the past since the present reminds me of them.

And then my phone rings. Sometimes I turn it off during counseling, but plenty of other times, it is on vibrate. It was my boss. Usually, I wouldn't answer, but I suppose you could say I had a premonition that I might need help afterwards. Looking back from emotionally stable ground, I can see that the conversation was about a little misunderstanding that happened at work that isn't that big a deal. But at the time, on top of the sadness I was already dealing with, it was crushing. Apparently, handling my boss's disappointment in me was too much for the moment.

I somehow need to seperate my emotional well-being from my boss's oppinion of me (and under this, let me note that her negative oppinions get lots of weight in my mind, but her possitive ones slide under the radar). And please don't just say that I need to trust God more. I suppose that could be the answer, but it sounds too short and simple, too guilt provoking without being actually helpful.

Well, I'm trying to evaluate these situations where I know my boss will be or was upset, evaluate them for myself like I did with the director of the musical this summer. Then, hopefully, I wont take responsibility for "problems" that weren't mine, or will be able to take the responsibility that IS mine without adding guilt layers that aren't mine.

Anyway, back to counseling, I'm still kind of glad I took the call then, because I did need encouragement afterwards,  but I'm also sad, because I was all set up so that a straw could break the camel's back and send me into tears, but I ended up crying over a work misunderstanding instead of trying to get further dealing with the sadness from past church experiences.

Which, by the way, I still don't know how to "move past." It has been more than 10 years since part of it happened, and it still can put me near the verge of tears!


  1. Abigail, I'm glad your OCD was happy with the election and that your fear of ruining the country made your fear of ruining the church anticlimatic :-) I had to chuckle at that statement because I totally get where you're coming from!

  2. Abigail, I'm sorry that you're still struggling with your church experiences. I don't think time in and of itself is necessarily healing. I'm glad you're talking with your counselor about it.