Saturday, November 17, 2012

My feelings go up and down. Yesterday? Great. Or at least good. Today? Well, it started okay, aside from feeling definitely sick with a cold. But when I got to sorting out my drawer of Possibly Important Papers and failed to find the one important paper I was looking for, well, that didn't go over so well. I finally fled my house to get to the library before it closes, leaving piles of organized papers filling my living room. The bank papers, the credit card and car insurance papers, the bills paid, professional development, mental health, garbage. I even forgot to throw out the garbage before I left. And the pile I have called Special Saves for years. Cards I'm not ready to throw away yet, mostly.

But not the paper I wanted to find. And I've been agonizing over where on the Food Stamps form to put the $20 bill my aunt sent me last month (because leaving it out would be a lie and might have terrible consequences). At this point, I'm almost ready to cry uncle and call the number to get help filling out the stupid form. Wait, the form isn't the problem; my chemical imbalance is (and saying that is another problem because I've just expressed myself as one of those people pushing off personal responsibility and blaiming my troubles on a "chemical imbalance").

Meanwhile, my sinuses hurt. Gotta love a cold. Especially with the depression. Especially when instead of numbing the depression like I want it to, it just creates a more conducive environment for growing depressed thoughts.

Then we've got the IRRITABLE feeling that comes after sorting through a big pile of papers so that you can shove them into a file box (assuming there is that much room left in the file box; otherwise I'm not sure what I'll do, but I'm grumpy enough to consider trashing my Special Saves pile - I shouldn't need that later to satisfy my anxiety when I fill out a form! Just my millions of papers with dollar numbers scribbled on them, still lacking whatever I most want to find at the moment.

I'm probably hungry.

Thankfulness. No, wait, that word is on my black list right now. We will stick with the term, "5 Good Things" which is what I label my list of things I'm thankful for, but by this other name.

Good things? A day of social anxiety tomorrow (baby showers; were they invented to torture us? Anxiety issue the first; what should I buy? Anxiety issue the first complicated; How much should I spend, because if I spend too much, I'm squandering my money and not using it wisely and then asking for help from others like a leache. But if I spend too little, I'm a miserly, selfish person. Basicly, I can't win, which you could have told just by reading my diagnosis of OCD.

And that isn't thinking about playing music in church, which could go really well, really terribly, or just happen, I suppose.

And I have seconds to publish this before the computer closes on me.


  1. Abigail, I'm sorry you are so stressed right now. I hate paperwork with a white hot passion, and I feel some of your frustration!

    For the baby shower, I think a nice inexpensive gift could be a favorite children's book with a nice note inscribed on the inside cover. Or a CD of relaxing music the mom can listen to during midnight feedings (don't feel like you have to get something off the registry - some of my favorite wedding gifts were simple and thoughtful).

    I really hope that music tomorrow is fun and enjoyable!!

  2. Hey Abagail...wishing you a beautiful Sunday out there...

  3. I'm sorry you aren't doing too well. I hope you recover from your cold soon and that things level out a bit more for you soon.

    In regards to the form, I highly doubt it'll make a difference. If you need help with it, you should get it. You will feel a lot of satisfaction once it's done.

    Sending you good thoughts!