Monday, November 12, 2012

What does the farmer say when he watches all his chickens fly away?

P.S., the farmer did not clip the chickens' wings, so they can still fly. I'm not being completely unrealistic here, though possibly somewhat.

The farmer says, "Well, it's fowl weather today."

Last night, as has thankfully become unusual, I had trouble getting to sleep. I got thinking about something that bothered me, and it was slow to go away. But here it is. I generally like Facebook, and my problem is not with Facebook itself, but with people's posts. The dumb blond jokes have thankfully left (they didn't bother me too much, anyway, despite having "dirty blond" hair). Instead, people make jokes and digs about people on government assistance. You know, people like me, who have food stamps or something like that. Of course, if I speak up, they either say that they are only talking about all the people abusing the system, or they say nothing. (Okay, shall I admit it? This is only based on two or three entries.) So they don't think they are speaking against me.

But do you know what the "Dumb Blond" does when she uses Food Stamps? She worries about people judging her. I suppose that is the OCD again. But I wonder. What does the check out lady say to her friends later? "I hate it when people come and use food stamps to buy food, but buy dvds at the same time. If they didn't buy dvds, they wouldn't need food stamps." Or, "Isn't it awful how people have food stamps, but then use them to buy expensive or unnecessary things like donuts and pre-prepared frozen food?" Such thoughts make me grumpy. I know I should just not worry about what other people think, but I do anyway.

Beyond that, now that I've gotten myself all irritated again, we've been having snow and ice and wet and cold and clouds here. Actually, there were two sunny days thrown in, with cold and left over snow. But weather related or not, my mood is going south (where, I suppose, the rest of me might want to go to get away from the cold).

I just registered for next semester's classes. And scared myself. I get a teacher new to my college, or at least to my online university part of it. And his syllabuses looked scarey (yes, he's teaching both classes). They had all sorts of (I mean a few) unforgiving words like No Mercy for late assignments. Actually, he used different words, but I wouldn't want to start out the semester plagiarising (hi, OCD. I hate you, by the way). They had scarey looking assignments (with open doors for the OCD monster). And I want an A or a B. I mean, forget that I've never had trouble getting an A or a B except one math class I didn't study or listen to lectures much for and a class about missions that made me angry. Maybe this will be the semester when I get a C. Or worse. And I need a 3.00 gpa in my classes relating to my degree. (Forget that all the As I already have will help me out there.) Well, it probably wont be that bad, but last spring semester was hard, so this one might be. The winter combined with hard classes?

I should just label this whole post "Abigail is worrying again (shocking, I know - it's not like I have an anxiety disorder or anything)." But I like my joke. Even if I'm still sad.

I should go buy milk before I have to go to my tap dancing class ("have" to go? how about "get" to?). And then supper with a friend, and then driving home on ice, since I'm in a worst case mode already (actually, I think it might be icey on some of the roads because it is wet now and cold, and it will get colder when the sun goes down).

Speaking of the sun going down, I relate it closely to an increase in depression. "It" being the time change. Sure, it is not completely dark when I go to work, but I was used to that darkness. Now it starts getting dark not long after 4. Yuck! I'm really considering getting a light therapy light. With all the money I don't have. But if it would help? I'd do a lot to keep the depression monster away. (But would I wake up early to expose myself to the light before work? That is a harder question. I'd rather use the light in the early afternoon.) But my internet research said I should discuss the light with my doctor instead of doing it all on my own, and I don't have an appointment until well into December, and even though he said I could move the appointment sooner, I don't want to do that, either because I have self esteem issues, or because I have other issues, or something. Maybe a phone call would work. But that is scarey, too. Don't you love the depression/anxiety combo? The whole world gets smaller (except for friends - the distance between me and them grows), darker, and scarier, and I get less brave and ready to hide.

Now to the store with bright lights and milk! (Brightly lit stores are so nice.)


  1. Abigail, It sounds like the worries have come to visit. I know how it is. It can seem overwhelming. I think it's worth at least a phone call, if not an earlier visit with your doctor to discuss a therapy light, or some other way to beat back the depression that seems related to the earlier darkness.