Friday, May 13, 2011

Ah, the internet is working against me! I wanted to read those other three posts. Of course, it might eat this posting as well...

It's Friday after work for me. Which makes me feel happy (or does it just influence me in a way that I decide to respond to with happy feelings?).

Yesterday I saw my counselor. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much and don't let her get to the real counseling issues (yes, since the two cases of extreme depression that lasted a few hours twice in the last week aren't real counseling issues). Okay, got myself there. I'm happy that at least my mind was creative enough to come up with something she hadn't heard before. For all of which, those to periods of crazy depression were scarey, not to mention annoying.

Anyhow, we talked, very little about OCD, more about the stupid depression. Why did that take a whole hour? How long did it take me to say what I wanted to say? (And I still missed things from my list.) And what's the whole avoiding eye contact thing? I've been seeing this counselor for about a year. Do I really think that something I'll say will be that problematic? Mmm, maybe. She did send me to the hospital once and to stay with friends another time. And logically, my self esteem was down already. Still down. I get annoyed when my counselor tells me, you talk as if you didn't deserve to eat popcorn and candy. or, You sound as if you don't think you deserve to eat food. appearently, I have trouble treating myself well.

Oh, and isn't OCD fundamentally different that shopping "obsessions" and such? Because I heard a conversation, and I didn't like being grouped with people who just want more of this or that thing that they love. Incidentally, I don't want more germs, nor do I want more people to become sick or worse, nor do I want to cheat on a test, etc. And I don't actually do those things I don't want to do; I just worry about them. But to outsiders, is that what they see? Me as a person with something like a shopping problem? Is buying another dress because I like dresses really in the same category as not buying fingernail polish because it would cost too much and be a sin and somehow be aweful? I don't think so. Of course, I'm not a shopaholic or anything like that (that I know of). So maybe I don't appreciate the pain of buying dresses I like. i guess it's the "with money I don't have" part that makes that problematic, or something like that.

Furthermore, OCD doesn't strike me as a balance issue. Sure, with dresses, maybe I need to balance the cost with the product and the amount I'm spending on dresses versus everything else in my life. But an irrational fear? What kind of "balance" issue is there in that? Am i supposed to "Balance" my fear of germs and obsession with handwashing with something else.(it's just easier to admit to that than some of my other issues, even though this one isn't very strong for me right now). Sure, my handwashing is moderated somewhat by my great fear of my skin cracking from being to dry (blood contamination and AIDS fears, come right on int). I don't think that is "balance". Two wrongs don't make a right. Or balance my fear of having driven over something with my fear of hitting something ahead? Or am I supposed to balance fears with confidences; I'm afraid of germs but confident that antibacterial soap will get rid of them (which I'm not, by the way). Or, I'm afraid of sinning, but confidant in God's forgiveness. Oh, if I could just figure that one out. If I didn't have ocd, then they might balance out, but I think OCD issues don't balance out. It's not choosing the best pieces of two acceptable options. It's an anxiety disorder.

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