Friday, May 20, 2011

irritated

It was the sort of day at work that I kept getting angry. Angry that I was requested to have a "helper" in my class (i.e., a slightly older child playing in the novel-to-them toddler/baby yard). I finally ate my snack and wasn't quite so angry any more. Oh, and then there's the, I'm just sure they wont pay me today, and today is payday, and I'm just angry about not getting paid. Then, of course, I was given my paycheck.

After leaving work, I came to the library. Anger now shifted onto myself. I'm angry! Angry at myself. Blah, blah, blah. And/or just plain Angry.

Some of it is probably financial worry; more is going out than is coming in. And that's a normal fear, not restricted to the mentally ill. (The, I'm not sure I could work forty hours a week because of my stupid brain, that does come from my lack of mental health and bad experiences.)

Change topic (or angles). Yesterday, I saw my counselor. And I know I over-reacted. I know it. But it still bothers me. We had our usual conversation. But she also mentioned that if I wanted to only come every other week or something as the summer goes on, that would be fine. She thought it was good for us to keep in touch, but she thought the OCD was doing pretty well, leaving me just with GAD issues and issues from my past (Ah, Freud, how I am frustrated by thee!)

That should be good news, right? But then I'm there ready to cry, saying, "This can't be as good as it gets." It just can't be! Okay, I'll try and be good and let go of the worst of the depressive thoughts, but don't tell me this is as good as it gets, because I just don't have that much energy and endurance. Or maybe I do. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I hope for something that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's just like Christians say about the hole inside them that only God can fill (I am a Christian, by the way, I just get irritated with us sometimes). But then why can't/won't God fill it? Am I a "bad" Christian (which technically doesn't even exist since all Christians are saved only through grace, not by being "good")? Do I just not believe enough? Not pray enough? Not read my Bible enough? Am I not content enough? Is this God's judgement on me? Did I bring it on myself by indulging in stupid thoughts that I had no right to think?

Okay, so I do know that eating lunch might help my mood.

Then there's the subject of accepting my mentil illnesses (assuming they aren't just religious behavior problems). Accept that I may struggle with OCD, anxiety, and depression for the rest of my life? That's disheartening. But is "denying" it any better, or does it hurt more in the long run? But I was assured yesterday that I was allowed to take years instead of days to figure out the answer to that.

Are the words "irritated" and "irate" related, like variations on the same word? I think I'm too hungry to be irate, but plenty hungry enough to be irritated.

Did I tell you that I got a microwave? I did. Now I expect to be eating more warm suppers. Yay.

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