Tuesday, May 31, 2011

OCD launches a new attack

Scrupulosity. I'd been doing better. I think. I stopped appologizing to God all day long, trying to limit it to once a day, preferably in the evening. I think I'd even pretty much done that, but now, the pressure is back.

(Meanwhile, I hear a speaker at a woman's retreat say that she didn't always ask for forgiveness from God every day, but doing it every day was her goal. People without my OCD are amazing.)

But the prayers have picked up. All of them. The appologies. The begging for help from my troubled mind. And begging again, in case that would help. And again, it feels good to ask for help. Okay, that's sounding compulsionish. But I felt more "spiritual" when I was praying more. And the praying for others. I think that has not reached compulsion measures yet.

And another old OCD tactic has regained force to bother me at work.

And then, my brain is still funny. Like when my brain was thinking nasty thoughts about myself and being angry with myself. And I thought, I have an angry, mean part of myself. And then, I thought, I want to take that mean, angry part of my self and step on it and smash it. As if we could take a set of thoughts and squash them with our feet. But then I had to laugh, because even though I'd tried to "seperate" the angry part of me and put it on the floor (figuratively speaking), more angryness popped up to attack the first angryness. So much for that solution.

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