Sunday, May 15, 2011

Oh, Joy; Depression

Most of the time, I'm doing pretty well. Feeling cheerful (and sarcastic), wearing a new dress that I bought (that was sin a few times over, once because I wasted time looking/might have coveted some dresses, also because buying a dress I didn't need was wasting money, and thirdly, it is a cute dress. Cuteness is almost certainly wicked when it is applied to me, though you can be dressed cute and I'll enjoy it. The skirt of the dress is too short. Like, above my knees. Oh, so sinful.). Okay, now I'm off track. But most of the time, it's mostly anxiety and not so much depression, or at least I feel lighter.

But then on occassions, my mood plummets and the depression then is worse than the slow steady kind.

I've been trying not to land there today. Part of me wants to. Think about depressing things, give in to the monster trying to drag me down. I'm just so tired of this! And to make it more frustrating, my life is going well. At least if it wasn't going well, the depression would make more sense!

But I keep trying to remember my counselor's comment about thoughts leading to feelings leading to actions leading to thoughts and so on, that they all influence each other, so changing one could change the others. So trying not to let my thoughts enter the downward spiral, ignoring the feelings (it seems they have already slid), and acting in a way that is beneficial to my health. Like skipping the free concert this afternoon because I feel too lazy and want to watch a movie. Really, that was sarcastic. I'm pretty sure the "best" thing would be to go to the concert, but then again, I don't have to do the "best" thing all the time. "Okay" is fine, too.

My research indicates... that OCD is not a Thought Disorder, but rather an Anxiety Disorder. Wish I'd known that last week.

Now, off to watching a movie and/or shopping and definately eating. (I agreed to live here another year, and I want a Microwave! I know that they might have an unhealthy influence, but they might help me eat better since the time required in oven cooking is much longer.)

3 comments:

  1. I can understand beating yourself up for enjoying things. And I can also understand letting those "thoughts" take the joy out of something you would otherwise enjoy. It is frustrating but it sounds like you have some good insight. Is your therapist a CBT therapist?

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  2. Yes. I found her through the OCD foundation website.

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  3. Hi Abigail,

    I have OCD and anxiety disorder too, and I relate to most of what you wrote here. Especially,

    "So trying not to let my thoughts enter the downward spiral, ignoring the feelings (it seems they have already slid), and acting in a way that is beneficial to my health. Like skipping the free concert this afternoon because I feel too lazy and want to watch a movie. Really, that was sarcastic. I'm pretty sure the "best" thing would be to go to the concert, but then again, I don't have to do the "best" thing all the time. "Okay" is fine, too."

    Sometimes, I second guess my decisions because I know it would be the best thing for me, but therational part of me just doesn't want to do it! Your insight is great into our struggles, and I enjoy reading your blog.

    Thanks,
    Lolly

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