Saturday, May 28, 2011


I can tell that my anxiety is up, because I'm having trouble typing. It's getting better now. But when I first got here, what a lot of added letters.

I went to the mall. Our mall is so tiny it should be called something else. Or a country mall, that might work, too. I was returning a dress. I kept one and wore it and now I've returned the other.

But there seemed to be more people there than last time. And my brain was bugging me. "You shouldn't look for something right after returning something." No, they'd be glad for the opportunity for me to give them money. "It's somehow quite wrong to try on a dress." (haha, typing it I get more nervous again.) It's fine to try 0n clothing. I can't remember if my brain got into the, if you don't buy the dress then you are wasting a sales person's time to put the dress back. I think it didn't, but that might have been subconciously in there somewhere.

Feeling anxious with all the people and whatever else, I went to another store. I saw something cute - ok, it was a monkey soap dispenser - that was really cheap, and then to get the best sale, I had to get ten things (i.e. to get the most for my money. It would have been cheaper to just get the monkey). So I looked and looked and my brain said, "you're a sinner! How could you be spending money like this when you aren't sure how you're gonna pay for things when your savings runs out. Soon." And I kept looking. "You idiot, it's wrong to buy stuff like this. You should at least find something to give away as a gift. Don't get all ten things for yourself." Blah, blah, blah. Finally, up to the cash register. Then the person there switches with someone else, and I felt like I was a burden or had made some mistake. The second person rung it up.

When I left, I decided I'd made myself live through enough enxiety, so I went to my car. Then my brain got even more rediculous, so I'll keep that too myself. I made it here to the library, and I did not. did not open the bag and make sure that the ten things I got were worth the ten dollars. Ha! I don't think the blah, blah, blahing my worries was a compulsion. Not yet. But if I had opened the bag and checked...

So how am I gonna get the stuff out when I get home? Try not to think about how much money I wasted? Think about it on purpose to torment myself (no, wait, that's called Exposure Response Prevention). That might work, because I'm pretty sure my brain has more to say about me spending money like that.

Now I want to get a really great fun movie (not like the one that made me cry last night that I thought would be happier). The really fun movie can be the carrot at the end of the ERP. But maybe I should excersize first, too... They say it's a good thing, in proper proportions.

Oh, I forgot that renting a movie could restart the wasting money arguement.

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