Thursday, May 26, 2011

Mr. Psychiatrist still holds the goal reaching a point of no symptoms. I'm becoming a doubter (no, wait, I'd perfected that when I was little, this is just a new application). No symptoms of OCD? Really? That's a foreign concept. No symptoms of depression, though, sounds good. I switched to this Dr. because I wanted one who wouldn't give up before I did, one who would at least work towards no symtoms, not just tollerable or somewhat improved symptoms. I think I'm still glad I did, and even more glad that he can remind me that no symptoms is an okay goal.

Then today I saw my counselor. My overreaction was a misunderstanding, as I suspected. Now I just want to move on and not get sidetracked by that jumble of words I got upset in.

And after talking to Mr. Psychiatrist, I was determined to be "more focused," as he described it.

We were, I suppose.

Talking about an "event" (that happened over several months) in my life that still can leave me crying. Like really annoying!! It's been eight years or something. Nine or more, actually. Nine years of trying to "get over it." By the way, so far I don't posess the PTSD label.

Usually I try to forget the friends I lost and how hurtfully my world was shaken (okay, I'm sure there are plenty of people who've experienced much worse; I don't mean to disrespect them at all). Usually, I try to forget the look in my Dad's eyes as he tried to do what was write in a messed up situation at the church we then attended. Usually, I try not to bitterly recall how it even effected who would play with my 4-year-old brother! So, since I'm still angry, have I not forgiven? How does one forgive that? Sure, my brother is turning out great. I'm a grown-up now, and attend a "normal" church and work a "normal" (but not lucrative) job. But that doesn't make ostracizing a 4-year-old okay!

A counselor said when I asked him about my issues of that time that he didn't know the solution, either; please e-mail it when I find it. I thought I found it, at least once, or part of it. But I still cry.

Another counselor said to me (about my issues more generally), "You know all the right things; I don't know why it isn't helping you more. Maybe you just need more time." (And I was like, duh, I have ocd; we make a habit - unintentionally - of knowing the right things but still struggling in life). And that counselor's comment, well, it doesn't hurt so much anymore. But I still cry about the other thing.

Annoying! Crying in front of my counselor. Or at my Psychiatrist appointment (make that both, if you count almost crying, which I count).

No comments:

Post a Comment