unreasonably rational

Yup. Suddenly my brain is on it's "something is not just right" kick. I should turn off the music I'm trying to learn for church tomorrow and brush my hair before I write this, so I can concentrate better. Besides, the cheery music is wrecking my discouraged mood. I backed out of a hike with my family when the snow stacked up yesterday (the hike was for today). My previous delight at actually being ready to celebrate Christmas my mom's way (and actually really going for it) is being dulled by the unexpected surge in anxiety. And the anxiety doesn't even have the graciousness to focus on one thing. If it was all focused on a fear of light switches (and causing a fire) for example, I'd know to do an exposure on that. But no, it has to randomly attach itself to various things. The only unifying measure seems to be the "just right" feeling that is lacking and the elevated feelings of anxiety. So that makes exposures easy, right? I just do things ju...

Well, I'm practicing a new skill under the heading, "Self Control." This skill is called "turning the tv off." You might look at me (or rather, your computer screen) like I'm strange, or grew up under a rock (I've been asked), but let me explain. I just got a digital-to-analog converter for my tv. So now I am in control of a tv in my house that actually can play something besides dvds and videos. After being bored by boring shows, I finally found a few I wanted to watch... followed by a few more. Until I was watching 3plus shows a day. Which might not be so bad if they were 25 minute shows. Actually, some of them are, but in those cases, they show two episodes back to back, so we are back to talking about 3 plus hours. I do enjoy zoning out that way. Really enjoy it. But due to practicing my new skill, I have time to blog. Sort of. Meaning my eyes are tired and should be released from staring at electronic objects. Anyhow, I just finished my seme...

A blog friend wrote about cooking and OCD here . And I started writing a comment, but decided my comment would be too long, long enough for a full post. So here goes. My mom decided to make sure that all of her children knew how to cook. Actually, it is a remarkably positive-sounding goal. Reading it now, I wonder why I have sometimes resented it. But I know why. OCD. Say I was in charge of supper and I have to use ground beef. I got to go through cookbooks to pick something to cook. Say I picked shepherds pie, or, as we called it, Deep Dish Hamburger Pie. So there was browning the ground beef. Insert OCD here. Gotta take care of all the raw meet germs, and all the raw meet germ splatters on the stove, and debate whether or not the spatula that I used at the beginning of browning the meet got cooked enough as I stirred the meet, or if I needed to stop and wash it, introducing more raw meet germs into the sink... Then there are the potatoes. One time, my sister and I didn'...

Where is that magic antidepressant medication that makes me feel better? Hey, wait, I was supposed to be on it, right? I was happy. I was enjoying life. I was working full time. Well, I still am working full time. But I'm overwhelmed. The good old, I don't want to go to bed because something (I don't know what, of course) isn't resolved. I suppose it is that sense that something is wrong. Hmm, wonder if it is depression or OCD. Because recently I was thinking that it looked like depression, smelled like depression, tasted like depression, so it might be OCD. Or perhaps more likely, OCD fueling depression. What would I do without my two faithful companions who have gotten me through so many years, the sober depression and the agitated OCD? I mean, who can enjoy life for a whole year straight through ? What a ridiculous thought. Today's sermon was on that passage in Luke where Jesus said, "Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh." The pastor...

I learned something today. I learned that apparently, people don't scrap book about funerals or memorial services. And if they do, they don't get to put stickers of pretty angels in sparkling white on their pages. Unless maybe those are only in bigger cities or something. Because I couldn't find any angel stickers in white with sparkles. Actually, I didn't find any angel stickers. I still have some Christmas angel stickers from last year... I'll check into those. And I finally settled with buying Christmas cards with angels on them, with the plan to cut the angels out and add sparkles. I realize that the biblical accuracy of this angel picture in my mind is questionable. But I don't really care. I want to think of angel people in white - with sparkles, because I like sparkles, and I think heaven has sparkles - I want to think of these angel people holding my toddler student, carrying him up to heaven - well, I guess that would have already happened if my scena...

I called my counselor today. I had an appointment scheduled for two weeks from today, but I finally decided it was worth calling her to see if I could get in next week. I briefly mentioned having a former student of mine pass away, and that it was throwing me off a little. Thankfully, she is able to get me in next Tuesday. See, in many ways, I'm just fine. I work, I... Okay, so work is the most normal thing in my life now. I enjoy my job still. I enjoy my kids. Etc. Of course, there is, um, challenges sometimes, too, when you work with toddlers. So I get that, too. Let me assure you that I get plenty frustrated some moments. Then there is the rest of my life. There is eating. There is upset stomach. Really? Couldn't you just settle down. My life is hard enough right now. And there is budgeting, which always seems to turn around and give me eating issues. I don't want to "waste" my money. So then I think, I have extra weight right now. I don't need to buy s...

A child I used to care for passed away. Surprise. Unexpected. I cried already. I've smiled at memories. I tried to forget while at work, and it worked by the end of the day, until my boss sweetly told me she'd pray for me. But it just seems so surreal. A non-compute. Because little kids aren't supposed to die. Going to bed is tough. I can plow through the rest of the day, but going to bed seems almost wrong somehow. Like it is carrying on as if all was normal when it isn't. Like I should be doing something for him or his family or something. I worked. The first hour or so felt really weird. A disconnect from the kids I work with that I am currently reminded could die at any time. Basically any person or animal could die at any time. And I expect death when people or animals get to old. Not that it doesn't still bother me. Actually, I feel a lot like I felt when my grandpa died. Including happening to have a cold or something on the side. But minus the guilt...

Well, I recently had the stomach flu. With a low grade fever and generally feeling rather miserable, though in a different way than mental illness. Thankfully, it didn't last long. But it reminded me of depression in how I just felt very yucky in a very concentrated way. So anyway, from that experience came my advice for people wanting to give spiritual advice to people struggling hard with depression and/or anxiety. Here it is, straight from where I shared it on Facebook (not so sure how good an idea it was to put it on Facebook, but maybe I'll find out): It is Mental Illness Awareness Week. So for today, let me share advice for advice-givers. If you want to give advice to someone really struggling with depression or anxiety, run it through the stomach flu test. If this is something you would like someone to tell you while you try not to puke, it is probably fine to share. On the other hand, if you wouldn't like being told to read your Bible more, pray more, and ...

Nothing like coupling recovering from the second stomach flu in a month with an overwhelming class assignment due in several hours to bring on depressed thinking. Remember that HALT acronym, Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. I don't know who invented it; it wasn't me. But I've got Hungry down since I'm low on food since my stomach is just starting to accept food again after rejecting it thoroughly on Thursday. Then add some Angry - an assignment I'm a bit mad at myself for not doing earlier. And then, if anger doesn't need to logical a reason, how about I just say I'm mad that I'm in school, mad that I feel stuck in school because I am unwilling to drop out (i.e., I choose to finish), mad that bachelor's degrees are seen as so important and that I went along with it enough to try and get one, mad that I don't know the information for the class better, basically mad at myself since I don't think it is fair to be mad at the instructor for this assign...

Well, to continue a train of thought started at 71 and Sunny 's blog, lots of my OCD has been, well, invisible. Every now and then, I'd spout off an imitation of my brain's on-going monologue, and either be regarded as worrying about stupid things or be regarded with a bit more respect. My brain jumped topics pretty well, too. I'm not sure if that is typical with OCD, but it usually was with mine. Like while driving. "I wonder if I offended so-and-so last night in our conversation. Oops, I went over a bump. Was it a bump, or a person? Check mirror. Looks like nothing, but maybe there was a person lying in the depression in the road. Well, probably not too realistic. But wait; I wasn't paying attention for the last moment. Better check the mirror again. Rats, checking the mirror meant I didn't pay perfect attention in front of me. Quick, check it again. No, don't look that long, now you have to look again. This is not going to work. Look further ahead,...

You know the whole, too tired to go to bed, problem? That's me right now. I'm plenty tired. And taking a shower just seems like too much work. So I'll blog instead, and keep myself up later. Maybe my blog title should go back to being UNreasonably rational. I'm pretty sure that the stomach flu didn't help things, but I've gotten pretty tired. Add in the growing darkness, chilly weather, and dry skin from hand-washing (and this potentially without OCD hand washing; I tend towards dry skin, especially in the winter). The weekends are too short. School is too much, even though it is only a few hours a week. The children are trying my patience. And weight! The annoying issue. I still seem to be gaining a pound or two a month, which adds up. But I'm plenty hungry. Plenty hungry. Though that seems to finally be evening out as I get further from the flu. Now I'm simply really hungry and have gotten past the urge to try to fill myself up with potato chips be...

Today I decided it was time to fight back against the anxiety monsters. My anxiety got worse over the course of my stomach virus and then my recovery. I'm sure the lack of food (and appetite) followed by the incessant hunger that keeps coming back didn't help. But anyway, conveniently for me, my anxiety really likes to get on me for things like spending money and having fun. So the good news is that exposures for me can be things like buying things I want from the store and going out to eat and going to a movie. So I actually had a really fun day. I got a new sweater, squirrel salt and pepper shakers, a kitchen towel that wasn't perfect (the design didn't make me feel "just right"), and a dress-up hat for my toddler class. And I went to a birthday party for a 6-year-old. Going to a kids party as a single, childless adult has a certain amount of awkwardness in it, but I enjoyed my cupcake and hanging out with adults who weren't single and childless. So it...

Well, I stayed home today for my little flu again. And then I found out other staff had gotten it. And I thought to myself, "I wasn't making it up." Apparently old habits die hard. Not trusting myself. I mean, as if the physical symptoms of the stomach bug aren't enough. Oh, well. I think I am still improving, so I'll be content with that.

I went home sick today. Stomach something. Now im wishing for a keyboard on its side so that i could type more easily while laying down. As it is, im a onehanded typist. ive also been doing schoolwork. including these quizzes that i have two attempts for. got 9 out of 10 on the last two. and then i lay here contemplating how quickly my goal of getting Bs this semester changes to getting 100%. But im too done in to actually put in the work right now. Stupid stomach bug or bad milk response; cant my appetite come back now? I really dont want to miss more work tomorrow!

I think I want to change the name of my blog, but I can't remember how. I did it on my other blog (the one that died a silent death but is still sitting around in cyberspace), so I know it is possible, but I'll have to figure it out again. Unless one of you would like to share the secret. I'd appreciate that. Anyway, I don't want to stop blogging, but my focus in life is no longer mainly on my mental health. So I think my blogging topics will need to start exploring alternate subjects. So for those of you who suffered through my mental health updates, (if there are any of you left), rejoice. And if all you want to read about is how I deal/dealt with OCD and depression - that is okay; I've been there to. But you might have to look into older posts. There are only something like 390 of them, so you should be able to read for a while. Or you could follow other blogs, since there are lots of great ones. Anyway, my subject for today is being a Toddler Teacher. You ...

Well, I'm back to working full time! And I finally purchased internet for myself so that I can access it from home. Ah, now I can write late night posts without having to be out somewhere late at night. This may be a blessing, but it might also turn into a problem... (gotta keep some pessimism in my life, you know). So work is going great. Now I'm trying to settle into a school routine. Actually, it is pretty much like the previous semesters. Mostly, it is much less work than I expected. The information is much less new than I expected (i.e., I probably know 50 - 90% of the information already). Somehow that keeps happening. And there are moments of worry surrounded by lots and lots of procrastination and good grades. Take right now. My scores are all perfect so far. (positive). I'm approximately where I should be (i.e., a little behind, but not too far). (positive). I'm scheduled to take my first proctored exam on the evening of the last possible day because of sc...

I guess I'm trying to determine what being "well" is like for me. What does it mean to move past the point of expecting to relapse into depression at any moment. To move past living on the edge of an emotional cliff. To move past being depressed. I know a little of what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean that I can't feel depressed or even be depressed at any given moment. It sure doesn't mean I don't continue to fight anxiety. I think I know a little of what it does mean. It does mean that my life focus is... (drum roll or trumpets please) ... no longer consumed by desperately trying to secure emotional health or something closer to it. It means that my gut desire to keep working full time while taking two classes might have actually worked - I've now changed my status at work to being willing to go back to full time, though, for now, we're sticking to the three quarter time we had planned. It means that driving to the neighboring state ...

I feel like I've reached healthy, at least depression-wise. Not perfect, but healthy. Now the anxiety, that keeps visiting. But hey, I tell myself, I know how to deal with anxiety. Basically, give it some bad word people wouldn't think I'd ever give. This morning, the anxiety just kept trying. It was like I'd find myself starting an anxiety rollercoaster about one issue, I'd figure it out, I'd step off, and a few moments later, the ground would start moving beneath me and I'd find that I was on another anxiety rollercoaster. So I'd step off... and find myself in another. The good thing was, I'd pretty much forget the last potential rollarcoaster pretty much the same moment I'd step off. And there were enough rollercoasters that I had lots of opportunities to practice stepping off. There's a wedding coming up in my family. Really, really soon. And I volunteered to help with music. But last night, I started thinking, but I want my relative...

A couple months ago, my counselor was recommending that I try EMDR with a therapist trained in it. Now she is telling me I could cut down to counseling every other week. Three years into the medication thing, and I think I've finally landed on the right combination. I finally called my psychiatrist last week to make sure it would be alright to stay on the higher SSRI dose instead of doing two weeks up and two weeks down, since I felt better on the higher dose. Of course, he was fine with that. And, once I got over the fact that I was raising the dose one more time, to over the "normal" prescription level (which isn't so strange for someone like me who has OCD, too), I'm good with it, too. Imagine! Not expecting to have my mood drop sometime this week because of lowering my dose again. Expecting... health. Actually, when my therapist recommended cutting my counseling sessions in half, I started crying. It seemed like a big, scary change, even though ...

I happened to be there for a conversation between a deacon from one church and someone who had worked in the outreach program at another church that helped people with needs like rent and utility bills. Skilled in the art of standing up for myself, ... I kept my mouth mostly shut, because I wasn't up to hearing that the case I presented was the exception rather than the rule, that people with mental illness could handle doing such-and-such, etc. So instead, like all "good" bloggers, I'll just post my opinion on the internet. Entitlement issues. How often have I heard that saying about "my" generation. And who would have the most annoying entitlement issues but the ones with the most obvious needs? Lets just take folks with mental illness. And over generalize, since the "other side" is overgeneralizing too. So, do people with mental illness have entitlement issues? I mean, when they ask for help. I mean, more than a normal person. I mean, do th...

Well, the first day teaching my new class in my new classroom has arrived. And I think it is going well. Not perfectly, but who would expect that? But well. I felt relieved when I started in and knew what to do. Relieved that I did know what I was doing, that I did have experience, that I was going to do a good job. I think I might be taking ibuprofen for a while though with headaches that might be stress related. But as long as they don't get too bad (hence, the ibuprofen), that will be okay, too. I love working with little kids. Crazy as I may be for feeling that way, it is still true. Well, on to homework while I'm on my lunch break. And then back to my new classroom to watch more kids and tape on name tags and all that good stuff.

I'm dying to tell some one my secret; I'm playing at a talent show tonight, but I haven't picked out the second song I'm supposed to sing. It didn't help that I'm having a depressed but busy day. Busy isn't even bad. It is the performing thing. I just finished my dance recital. I got compliments, but of course, in my depressed state of mind, the compliments felt empty. Eventually, enough people complimented me that I concluded I did a good job after all. Then comes this talent show. Point blank, I'd rather hide in my house or my garden today. But no, I agreed to do this. So instead of being this great, joyous occasion where I can sing in front of people, it is an act of service. Seems mixed up. That's my depressed brain for you. I think I got too tired. I blame Wednesday night for a lot of it. I fell asleep, but it was the partly-awake kind of sleep. So when I woke at 2:20, I had the brilliant idea of getting up and eating something. Sometimes ...

I made this one completely on the computer. I need to work on the monster's color - it is too pink for my liking. And make the writing more readable. Bigger font? It really needs more definition, but I don't know how to give it that.

Well, I found the weekend to be tougher than I expected, until Monday. Saturday and Sunday I was winding down from my busy, stressful week. Saturday, I tried to do alot, too, so I kept Sunday and Monday for rest. But when Monday came, I decided I wanted to clean my house. I just tried to keep my stress level down while I did it. So now my house is almost too clean - it seems that while too cluttery is overstimulating, too clean can be, too. I don't want to mess it up. Actually, I've gone a full twenty-four hours of keeping up with my dishes. Remarkable, really. But the cleaning and the schoolwork and the new job make it easy for me to get into a go, go, go, go mood. Do this, do that. But right now, I feel better. Me and my computer and the internet. Quite nice. My former boss informed me that she didn't need me last night, so there was a quick rearranging of my plans (I was planning to work 2 more days). But my new boss was nice and let me come in with my slightly compl...

Well, a lot has been going on. I started my new job last Thursday! I'll be finished with my old job this coming Wednesday. And at my new job, I ended up getting the toddler teacher position after all! So now I'm collecting craft ideas and tossing around schedule plans in my head. Like Father's Day gifts. Hint for new child care workers - start gifts early , because you don't know what will happen and who will be out sick when the time gets short. I'm rather tired, but I still wanted to get up this morning. I wanted to take my next Human Anatomy quiz. I got a B on this one. Just one more quiz and the final are left, now. I rearranged my house - maybe I already said that. It is cleaning up okay, though I do it in fits and starts and small steps. Today the anxiety came for a visit. I'm not surprised. Actually, it isn't too bad at this point. And starting the new job conveniently coincided with the half of the month when I take a higher dose of my antidepr...

I got a new job! I gave my two weeks' notice today. I was aprehensive about giving it, and aparently, with a bit of cause. All I really got was one last guilt trip. At least I'm hoping it is the last guilt trip. Now I'm trying to be really sweet and nonconfrontational, because I would like a pleasant last two weeks. The new job will be full time (40 hours a week). I'm nervous about that. But hopeful, too. I'm thinking the stress level will be lower, and I wont be a lead teacher, which is slightly disappointing, but also a relief. That should lower the stress level again. (I'm still going to be working at a childcare center.) But this is me going back to full time work after my battle with the depression and OCD monsters. Still with two classes on the side. But I don't think I'll have to put that much time into the classes. Anyhow, it feels momentous; going back to work full time . Which doesn't make me a better person, but I guess part of me st...

I did it; I got 51% on a quiz. Which just might indicate the lazy side of my academic self. Basically, I don't want to be taking this course. But I do want to pass it, so I'll study a tad harder for the second midterm Saturday. I want to get a C in the course. How's that for aiming low (I'm usually an A student). Actually, I'm hungry, so hungry I'm not quite thinking straight. But I can't blame the test results on that. Too many questions were on things I just didn't know. Today, I got home from work, and then went to a spur-of-the-moment interview. Hence part of my hunger - I didn't eat all my lunch. Regarding the interview, on the positive, it would have been to work with older little kids. That would be interesting. Nonetheless, I have doubts about if it is the kind of place I want to work at. I'll have to do some more thinking on it, but I suspect I'll end up giving a no, thanks, answer. I'm looking for a job situation that ...

I've been sooo tired this week. First I was house sitting, so I blamed it on that. Then came a flurry of interviews (i.e., three between two companies). Then came panic about getting one of the jobs. Then came disappointment when I didn't hear back, which quite likely means I didn't get the job. And some relief, because this job would have taken more hours, and I was hopeful that I could handle it fine, but I was also nervous about it. Now I'm feeling out of touch with the world once again, without house sitting to blame. I think I'll blame being off on my reduced medication dose, but it could also be blamed on a few bad headaches, possible allergies, high anxiety on Thursday and Friday, or something else. Last night, for example, I woke around midnight and then around 2:30 for a migraine. I've tried Tylenol, ibuprofen, psuedofed PE, eating, eating fatty foods, eating sugary foods, eating chocolate, sleeping, watching tv, sleeping on a couch, red...

This weekend, I am house sitting. I am glad that I am capable of doing that now (i.e., emotionally). But I am finding it somewhat challenging. I feel off because I'm not following my normal routine. Ungrounded, because I'm not in my normal places. On top of that, I have an interview coming up this week. Good thing, but would involve a slower transition (i.e., they would not have enough work for me right away for me to leave my other job, so I'd have to work both for a time). So I have mixed feelings there. And then there are the migraines. At least, that is what my regular doctor thought these headaches were. And I've been getting them when I raise successful antidepressant SSRIs too high dose-wise. I've had one yesterday morning and one this afternoon. I'm still hoping they are from allergies, yesterday from the house I'm taking care of (i.e., the pets?), and today from working in the garden in the hot sun. However, I'll drop back to the lower dos...

I got my car back. And here is something annoying: If I had gone ahead and let my friend put in the new battery we bought, I probably wouldn't have needed to get my car towed. See, we did this experiment where we tried to jump my car directly from his battery, not going through a battery in my own car, (i.e., the jumper cables connected from his car battery to the cables that would have connected to my car battery). The result? Nothing. So, not wanting to waste my $105-plus-tax dollars I had spent on my battery, we didn't put the new one in, just in case we wouldn't want it, because once you put it in, you can't return it. My choice didn't really make sense; we'd already gotten rid of the old battery (which I am still pretty confident was thoroughly dead). So I would need a new one. I was just afraid that if it was the wrong battery or something? Anyway, my friend talked to someone they knew who suggested putting the battery in, but by then I had already sched...

Today, my time limit isn't a library computer timer; it is the light outside. Because my car decided it needed a rest. An expensive rest, but cheap and fast enough that I wont ditch the car (as if I could afford a new-to-me one now, let alone repairs). So I've been accepting rides and asking for help and such things that are hard for me to do, but easier when I don't have so much choice in the matter. (Oh, and biking 5 miles one way to work is an option, but I'd rather accept a ride from a friend.) Seeing my counselor again yesterday, I was relieved that I was the one bringing up EMDR, not her. She suggested it, but I don't think she'll push for it much (unless I really go down hill). One interesting thing that came up in our session was this; the issue of people pleasing with a surprising other perspective (i.e., something other than how it is idolatry). Someone in my life was careful to pass on that people-pleasing was a trap. True, when carried to a...

It was great to see my counselor today. I thought I was having a pretty good day, but still ended up crying during my appointment. "And this is me on a good day," I told her. But she said, "No, I've seen you on a good day, and this is not it." I guess she was right. Especially since I often don't cry during appointments. Anyway, I also talked with my psychiatrist on the phone on Tuesday, and we have it settled so that I'll take a higher dose for part of the month and then go back to my regular SSRI dose for the rest of the month and see if that helps even out my rollercoaster. I did show my blogged "letter" to my doctor to my therapist, and she told me to mail it to my doctor. Except that she said I should clarify the ending. Apparently when I wrote that I was running out of time (meaning my allotted time on the library computer was just about up and the computer would soon shut me off), it sounded too much like I was running out of time he...

I added a tab to my blog, "Movie ratings for mental health." I might change the name to something better worded. But here is the idea: A friend and I were talking about how there should be warnings for movies that have suicide and mental hospitalizations and stuff like that in them. These can be triggers some of us want to avoid. Well, if you know of something like that; please share! I have no need to reinvent the wheel. But if there is no wheel yet, then this "Movie ratings for mental health" is my small attempt. There is probably a more efficient way to make such a thing, even just randomly on the internet, but oh, well, this is what I know how to do, and it is a start.

My therapist did call me back yesterday. She got permission for me to raise the dose on one medication, and she said that my psychiatrist would call me Monday. She said it would be helpful for him if I can tell him the exact days that I tend to go downhill and back uphill (since I think there is a pattern going on). Talk about a nerve-wracking proposal. I mean, a marriage proposal would qualify as more nerve-wracking, so maybe mine is a little petty. But to think of my doctor calling me, and my trying again to communicate over the phone what I apparently failed to communicate in person... And exact days? It is one thing when I am frustrated and tired and crying to inform my counselor that I'll probably start feeling better soon for about two weeks and then get worse again for another two weeks. But exactly? Oh, wait, she said "exact" in the normal interpretation, not the OCD version. What can I say? I've gone over it, but here it is again. Doctor, I've ha...

I'm glad I called my therapist. She talked with me about it (see previous post), and she offered to call my psychiatrist the next day (today). Some of my thoughts were not substantiated since I hadn't asked him particular questions. But I think I still present better than I might feel when I see the psychiatrist - actually, I tend to feel pretty good when I see him and only want to cry afterwards. Anyway, my hope was given a boost when I talked to her. And my anxiety was given another thing to bug me about. Did I say the right things, am I making too big a deal out of this, etc. But no problem; my anxiety mostly switched topics to my current virus. Saw my regular doctor again today. I wanted to know how contagious I am and what precautions I should be taking. So somewhat OCDish. But after talking to him, I have somewhat solved that issue (not OCDish, since OCD likes to keep bothering you after you get clarity on an issue). So I feel better about that. I plan to plant my g...

I was just over reading Tina's blog post relating to the seriousness of depression. Fits right in with my current thinking and reading. My current reading is Against Depression by Peter Kramer. And then my appointment with my psychiatrist. I showed him my pretty graphs of my mood. He noticed how my sleep was pretty steady. I'll agree on that. My sleep has improved to a pretty nice spot and held. Other than that? Guess what; I'm functional. Do you know what that means? It means that the doctor can say things like what he said, "Sometimes we use medication to keep you steady so that you can do the work in therapy." Uh-huh. Since, obviously, my mood is getting better from my therapy while the medication keeps me steadily in the never-never land between health and severe depression. My mood ratings are the same, whether I show the paper to my therapist or my psychiatrist. Face it! My mood has plateaued for the winter (i.e., since December), with ups and down...

I've been keeping a mood log since sometime last May, or maybe June. I've done it on the OpenOffice software similar to Excel. This means I can do cool stuff like make charts and graphs to see how my mood has swooped around over the last year. This last week, I found that you can also put in a trend line over your chart. This was neat, but disturbing. I used it over charts made from week averages for the last 10 or 11 months. I learned that: My depression at its best (each day, then averaged per week) is getting better. My depression at its worst (each day, then averaged per week) is getting worse. My anxiety is getting worse. My sleep time is increasing. My exercise time is decreasing. Or, in short, my worst is getting worse. So then I wonder if I'm using the same standards to judge my mood as I was using in May last year. After all, the mood ratings are subjective, done each day, or occasionally every few days. But what if anxiety that I called a 5 in May would ...

Do you ever start clicking back and forth from one window to another to another and back again in your internet browser? I do sometimes. It is irritating because it slows the computer down on top of being inefficient and basically a way for me to spin my wheels and get nowhere. Indecision? Absentmindedness? Forgetfulness? Who knows. Maybe it is visible evidence of my brain's decline as I try to multitask. Pardon me as I go check out the square foot gardening page again. Back again, while I wait for a new page to load. Anyway, I worked a 5 day work week, which is very good for my paycheck. And okay for me. Thursday, I thought it was my last day, so I had that encouragement through the (rough) morning. Then I got home and felt sad about what I was going to do with all my time with the long weekend, and then I got asked to work Friday. So that is just about perfect, especially since today was a pretty smooth day. Mood-wise, I feel all mixed up this week. Relieved one minute when...

I, who put off washing dishes like the plague, have been bitten by some sort of cleaning bug. Incidentally, it hasn't helped the dishes. What a pity. It has helped me throw out stacks and stacks of paper. Like tax papers from 5 plus years ago, that had disturbing OCD strings attached. I suppose it was a hidden compulsion. Save your papers so that if you ever need to go back and redo the tax papers you must have gotten wrong, you can. Year after year. Self torture. Well, them papers are in the garbage, with guinea pig cage-cleaning leftovers on top. And my papers from my time in Puerto Rico? Well, it only took me almost 6 years to face that closed door in my life. (I spent three trying to reopen it, before it was shut finally, and the next 3 years amusing myself - I mean working on dealing with OCD and depression, which is amusing, but is not always pleasant, though there are nice moments). So, I got my PR papers into ONE GIANT NOTEBOOK! Plus the paintings reproduced on cards, w...