unreasonably rational

I guesssometimes I'm not very objective. The word makes me think of stepping back and seeing a more accurate picture. Like being reminded by my counselor that, even though I don't like the feeling of being angry, really, I'm pretty mild when I'm angry. So glad I got to see my counselor again. It's been like three weeks, which translates to very long in my current state of mind. So helpful to have her to say, no, you shouldn't cancel your psychiatrist appointment just because you are "mad at him". And are you more angry with him, or with feeling the way you do for so long? Yeah. So it's hard for me to admit that being moderately depressed isn't fun despite the improvement from severly depressed. It's frustrating to feel like I feel no better and maybe worse than I felt right before I started medications. Okay, some better and some worse. Net effect doesn't seem worth the dollars I pay for the medication. Ah, well. And my general health d...

Sometimes my mood flipflops way to fast. Today, I switch from cheerful to angry in almost no time. Like medication refills for Psych meds. "They say," you have to take your medication. Don't miss your doses. And then the pharmacy says it will have your prescription in time and then tells you, oh, sorry, we're out of stock!!!! Like really! So then, because I was mad, and out of 40mg fluoxetine, I transfered my prescription to another pharmacy that has that in. But it will cost me 16 extra dollars. I don't usually spend 16 dollars just because I'm angry. I could have just taken 3 20mg fluoxetine pills. But no, I transfered my prescription. So there! It's not like fluoxetine is a rarely used drug! Why can't you have it in stock? Okay, so it did snow alot today, but this is my second "oh, we're out of stock" experience with this pharmecy, so I'm still frustrated. And frustrated because the kids language-learning dvd had words that didn...

I survived Christmas. Actually, I enjoyed it. Not to say my brain never irritated me, but over all I enjoyed it. And today I am exhausted. It would seem that the stress of the holidays is real. Stressful to be around people in a way that isn't in my normal routine. Doesn't mean I don't love them. Doesn't mean they don't love me. Just means that non-normal is stressful to me (and normal is stressful, too). I'm hoping I get to go to counseling this week. It's been awhile. It's scheduled, so hopefully it will happen. And now I'm going to look for a movie instead of playing the "lets solve the mental problem that I'm sure is there and I forgot/don't yet know what it is" game. I can do this!

I was enjoying a lovely lemon cookie when... in popped the "brilliant" idea that maybe there was alcohol in the cookie and when I drove home, I'd be drunk driving. Maybe I'd get pulled over and the policeman wuold ask if I'd been drinking and how could I answer that since maybe the cookie had alcohol in it? I finished the cookie, but the pleasure level just wasn't the same after that. Stupid OCD. My counselor missed two weeks of counseling, so I decided I'd better toughen up and work on this, because I was somewhat convinced that the pain of unchecked ocd was worse than the prospect of Exposure Response Prevention. So I wrote up a new exposure hierarchy and gave myself some exposures to work on. Going okay, so far (I didn't put any TOO hard exposures on, don't worry. I like success). Now I must return to work. :( A few more hours and then I get a long weekend. I can handle this!

So it's no great secret that OCD can shift from one area to another. As my roommate says, I don't wash my hands as much. And that's not the only OCD area that causes me less anxiety currently. But it seems that the OCD just crawles back in another, preferably unidentified area. Like reassurance. Like I want lots and lots of reassurance and I will do my best to get it from the people around me and/or from myself. "Figure it out" and/or reassure. Somehow regain that sense of peace that (maybe I imagine that) I had. Research, study, reassure, figure out. Sermon at church today on peace. Last week was Joy, and I did okay; the pastor specified that joy wasn't the same as happiness, so I didn't have to worry about my fleeting happy feelings. But peace? Do I have peace? Oh, lets start checking now! Not! I am pretty sure that I need to just take the risk in the religous area of my life. Let's go for response prevention (I sure don't feel like seeking out e...

First I was struck with the brilliant idea for a blog post. It went like this: I do not have repetitive thoughts. I do NOT have repetitive thoughts. I do not have repetitive thoughts. I DO NOT have repetitive thoughts. And if I say repetitive too many times, I wonder if I'm saying it right (the word itself is repetitive in the "etiti" part). So that was sarcastic and funny and not a problem. Then, someone suggested to me that since I can work and live life ("function"), I don't actually have obsessive compulsive disorder but rather have obsessive compulsive tendencies. Which actually matches what the Psychiatrist said a bit better ("obsessive compulsive symptoms"). And then, with the disorder I "don't" have, my brain started going crazy! Do I not actually have OCD? Am I no better than the people who claim OCD when they hang up Christmas decorations and live the rest of their life symptom free? Have I been lying to people, saying I ha...

http://www.christianadhd.com/anxiety.php This is what I found today in my search for info on anxiety disorders and Christianity. I'm sure there's more, but it's enough for today. I don't personally quite accept that having an anxiety disorder is in itself a sin, but have been confused about it. This article seemed decent, though too short (or shall I just remind myself that reassurance rarely shuts up the voice of OCD?). Today I went to the Dr. for another ear infection. I'm usually relieved that I actually have something identifiably wrong when I go to the doctor, because I don't like paying money to be told I have a cold. So I was satisfied with today's visit - not a complete waste of money, and maybe I'll feel better soon. And when I realize that I am legitimately physically sick not in the depression/anxiety sense, then I feel relieved that part of how I'm feeling should go away in a few days. Being sufficiently negative, I told the receptionist ...

My therapist said I overthought things. Duh. That is a common thought. But stopping overthinking is another matter. Maybe I compulsively overthink. Maybe I have to resist it. Lately, I've been half thinking I didn't have OCD. Maybe wishful thinking. But when I wrote it out in my journal last night, it at least made sense. Thinking until things "make sense" is what I like. It made sense that if I really didn't have OCD, but just thought I did, thereby giving myself some symptoms, then if I could stop thinking I had OCD, I would stop having symptoms. One counselor I went to said something about my greatest problem was worrying about worrying, so if I could just stop that, I'd be fine; I "wasn't as messed up as I thought I was," she said. So, with my usual slow and obnoxious overthinking, I have taken a month or so to slowly conclude that MAYBE she was right and I didn't have so much OCD and I brought this on myself by thinking I have a problem ...

Work is going better - I don't feel shakey by my lunch break anymore. :) My depression is a bit better, too, but not all better (it hasn't been all better in a very long time, so what a surprize). I have started drinking coffee in an attempt to help myself be awake at the start of work. I think it works because I can get through the first part of the first hour at work without yawning excessively (though this does not work for the entire 8 hours of work). It was funny debating with myself about "becoming dependent on coffee." I can rely on prescription medication to stabilize my mood, medication that costs around 60 dollars a week, but do I want to depend on caffeine? No! I don't want to be "addicted" to coffee! But then again, I want to be awake for work, and really, caffeine is probably much less of an issue than my prescription medication. It was just funny that it bothered my brain so much to give in and drink coffee. My most humorous moment of menta...

I survived the work week. The new job and my depression didn't get along well, or maybe they got along too well. Either way, it's been a harder week. Even if I am just supposed to say I've had a few bad days instead of saying I seem to have slipped down hill a little bit. Being mad at one's therapist is probably not the most helpful state. But really, I'm more mad at me and mad at the mental illness that I've got. Mad at my unhelpful thoughts. Mad that I have to try to change them but that that seems hopeless. I was amused this week because I was indecisive enough to worry the doctor. :) My tongue was bothering me, so I called twice about it at the beginning of the week (he knows I have anxiety trouble, so why pretend I don't? Oh, I know, I don't want it to become a compulsion). When I was told I'd have to come in for more information, I decided to wait. Especially because my counselor kind of reprimanded me for going with my ear infection to my not-...

It would seem that most of my good moods are away from the computer. Oh, well. I went from being happy about work on my way to counseling to agreeing with my counselor that I didn't feel like I "deserved" food (I don't want to eat - but I still eat, so don't worry) to being depressed about work... I didn't eat a full lunch in there, so maybe we can blame low blood sugar, or my general moodiness, or my look-on-the-dark-side tendency, or my "lack of sleep" last night (merely around 7 1/2 hours). Or whatever you feel like. My ear that still isn't clear. My hand that cracked from being too dry (contamination fears here we come!!! Now I can worry about spreading diseases that I don't even have, all because of a crack on my hand). The fact that I still haven't eaten a full lunch (yes, I ate a partial lunch) (yes, I know that wasn't my smartest move)(yes, I think I've said this before, but I do like putting parentheses one after another ...

Back to work. Now hopefully my anxiety will calm down a notch since I haven't been away from work 5 days. The shakey feeling came back last night, to my intense displeasure. It wasn't as bad as the time I went to the ER and they treated it like anxiety. So I ate food and continued with my life and it went away.

I got an ear infection. I wasn't going to go to the doctor, but my sister said she would if she were me, and I know she's not big on wasting money, so I went, and it was probably good. Now I have antibiotics and a flu shot. If I turn into a monkey because of the flu shot... okay, so that's not realistic. Actually I'm just tired (can blame the ear infection, medication, ocd , and/or depression in addition to the flu shot) and my arm is a tiny bit sore. Just a tiny bit, not like my last nasty immunization (which was not the flu shot: this was my first ever flu shot if my memory is correct). I put up a Christmas tree yesterday evening. My room-mate new I was nervous about it, but I wasn't quite so perceptive at first. But towards the end, when my temper was short and my brain was shutting down, I knew I had offended my OCD . I do the shut-down thing sometimes; I just hadn't made such a connection between anxiety and shutting down. But when there's been "to...

If I hadn't thought it out quite so carefully over so many days and talked to people about it as I decided... I would so want to site dying my hair as an example of impulsive behavior that was a side effect of one of my medications (pick whichever you want to get out of taking). I mean, I have never ever dyed my hair in my entire life until today. I know, I was really bold and daring - I dyed it medium brown and it was dark blond/light brown. Basically, it's about the color dry that it used to be wet. I even did an OCD homework thought challenge about my assumption this morning that "dying my hair will ruin my life". I concluded that my evidence didn't cut it and I went ahead and dyed my hair like I wanted to. It might be a sin. I might be allergic to it (I have a sore throat) (and it started bothering my head before I rinsed it off). But I'm pretty sure it won't kill me. Unless it gives me cancer; then it might. But that wouldn't be right away, so I d...

Started new job today. And saw my counselor. On my to-do list is... breathing, or more specifically, not to stop breathing. I dream of a better future, when I will be able to stand to eat more than two things for supper (currently tuna and crackers plus fruit and veggie or bacon bits and cheese on salad, but it used to be pizza and veggie or cornbread and beans), when I will quit holding my breath as if that will help me deal with the situation better, when I will have a good night's sleep and not wake up early nor have trouble waking up from a medication, when I actually want to live most days of the week. Yes, this sounds lovely. In the mean time, I have started taking classes at my local gym. Well, really, I've only taken one so far, but I intend to add to that shortly. And I've been excersizing at least 5 days a week for at least 20 minutes. Have i been working on relaxing? No. But excersizing? yes. Today I expressed to my counselor that I was upset that my ocd didn...

Now I have given my two weeks notice, so it doesn't have to be a secret. I'm changing jobs. Not fields, I'll still be an early childcare teacher. Well, maybe I'll get to be less of a lead teacher, but that is okay with me right now. And working in a classroom WITH another teacher sounds GREAT (even though it can double the number of kids in the class). So that was my big anxiety creator for my last blog post; I was going to give my two weeks notice when I went to work and I was worrying about accepting the job the evening before. At my current job, the worse depression came back, not as strong as it has ever gotten, but stronger. I hate depression. But Saturday came and I felt better. Amazing what the weekend can do. Good thing I'm changing jobs. I hope it helps (but it could make things worse; I'll have to "take that risk" like my counselor keeps talking about). I'm doing pretty good at not washing my hands this week! Not so good at writing down e...

It seems to me that exposures come quite readily without my seeking them out. Going to the gym to exercise is an exposure all by itself (because I might die if I go. No, I don't know how that would logically happen). Then work, particularly a work change coming up. So I sort of brought it on myself but I am SO SCARED!!!! Not for any super good reason. Well, anybody would probably feel scared, so I guess I just need to not let fear paralyze me. But really, I took last week off, remember? And this week I have to deal with this???? So my weekend of stability has run into an anxiety challenge. The kind of anxiety that robs me of a normal night's sleep - not to mention potentially steeling my appetite. Oh, great. So I did a thought challenge thing where I wrote my thoughts and feelings and cognitive distortions and more logical response. Helped some. But does that make it a compulsion? The questions never end! Hence the fact that I'm almost never bored. And with the anxiety, ...

The depression might have stabilized . I'm assuming so until otherwise notified for more than a few hours. What a pleasant surprise that the break from work helped. My counselor said that sometimes people need that rest. So the OCD is having fun. What used to be a miserable obsession has become a mad lib game. The color(s) and substance to be used keeps changing. I'm in danger from an orange and purple panda bear, or orange and green spinach , or purple and green giraffes. Who knows. It is all very funny. Especially since these objects aren't readily available and dangerous. But I'm back to work - the purple and pink panda bears don't interrupt too much. And the absence of the feeling that my emotions are about to hijack me and slam me this or that direction, that is nice. Dispite a stressful day at work. :)

So yesterday after finishing my time using the library internet, I had a meltdown in my car. I wasn't working. I didn't want to eat. There's some Bible verse about not working and not eating. Why was I so foolish as to take the rest of the week off work? I was doomed. But talking to my sister last evening, I was able to look at it a little more positively; maybe this would help me to learn that my value wasn't all tied up in the job I did. If I could learn that, that should help with my depression. And later last evening, I went to a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support group meeting. The first one I went to left me feeling more desperate, but I enjoyed this one. I'm starting to get to know people. And we can talk and laugh about other things, not just discuss mental illness. I like going to this and to the NAMI Connections support group because I feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can be me, depressed and discouraged. I can move ...

http://www.ocdhelpdoc.com/2010/10/jonathan-grayson/the-cruelest-obsession-obsessing-about-obsessing/ I just read the article by Jonathan Grayson about "obseessing about obsessing" that's link is above. Reminds me of me. Monday I was discouraged and my counselor and I came up with the idea of asking my doctor to write a note so I could take a few days off of work. This was supposed to be helpful; a break from the stress. Tuesday, I worked part of the day, then left with the note from my doctor. Today, I'm so frustrated. Why can't I work? (Well, I could work, but I'm taking a break.) My own appreciation of my value is so tied into my work. If I do valuable work, then I feel valuable. If I feel valuable, I think I am valuable. If I'm not doing work that I percieve as valuable, then I don't feel valuable and think that means I am less valuable. I KNOW it's not true, but it feels that way. So, oh, what a priviledge, I get to sit here and not work while...

I've thought of something else to worry about; self-fulfilling prophecies. I'm worried that my medication will affect me negatively. Maybe that is a self-fulfilling worry. I'm worried that I won't be able to work full time. What a great thought to self-fulfill (YES I'm being sarcastic.) It seems like a most important skill is that of not overvaluing thoughts. I recently realized (thank God) that I'd thought myself into a dark corner, but I'd done this before and gotten out again. That was enough to get me out of the dark corner. Dark corner type thoughts don't just disappear, though. The anxiety builds and another pops into my head, but it's just a dark corner thought, so for the moment I keep going with life. As in, so I might get really anxious, but the depression isn't winning. Basically, most of life becomes a pseudolifeanddeath question. I'm asking a question of a college and "about to die" - I love OCD or whatever brings me th...

I think one of my medications said it could make your vision worse. Maybe two or three of them. That must be what is happening to me (since pure lack of sleep must certainly not be related at all) (nor would eyestrain from computer and television use). It's SO exciting to feel like my appetite is getting better! And I actually started reading a long fiction book that wasn't just james harriot (not meaning his writing isn't excellent, but it can be enjoyed a chapter at a time like a bunch of short stories, thus it does not represent the same increase in non-depressed symptoms). And my brain sleeping at night! So my mouth was dry and I kept waking up because of that, but that's much different that being awake because my brain won't stop thinking. Good days present their own challenge. Like I start thinking the next down turn is just about here (that probably could be a self-fulfilling prophecy). So it's just a thought. Maybe if I remember that it will help. And I...

One thing I find amusing is to listen to people talk about OCD in front of me completely oblivious to the fact that I have it. Like last night. So in their favor, they all spoke pretty respectfully about hoarding OCD last night, so I wasn't much annoyed and was mostly amused. But not quite bold enough to say, "I don't have hoarding OCD particularly, but I do have OCD and anxiety and depression and one or the other or all or two of them landed me in the hospital for five days and also in the ER last Sunday (who knew physically shaking could just be anxiety instead of some horrible reaction to medication)." Actually, I'd have risked interupting someone to interject that I had OCD, and interupting might possibly be construed as a sin and I have scrupulosity issues, not to mention that I often refrain from admitting to my OCD with people who think I don't have it. And I feel like a spy and smile on the inside as I listen to people talk about "my" mental ...

So, yeah, when it is so hard to start my day in the morning, I like to pretend I'm superwoman with superpowers. Only my super powers are things like the ability to get up in the morning and the ability to take a shower, and the ability to keep going, and the ability to... whatever. The stupid stuff normal life is made of. Or the not-so-stupid enduring whatever my brain is doing and keeping going with life while I wait for the "right" medication. Doctors changed the one I take before bed. Supposed to help me sleep and with the obsessive depressive thoughts. Okay, so I didn't actually sleep the whole night through, but I was more relaxed. I think that counts as improvement. And now today I am sleepy. The moral of the story is, if I'm in my zomby/sleepy depressed mood then I want to be awake etc., but if I'm in my anxious/energetic depressed mood then I wish I was back in the zomby just-let-me-sleep-and-sleep-and-sleep mood (and dispite the mood, my ability to ac...

Today, the frustration grew enough that I called the doctor, and the doctor said, No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Not. Not the monkey part that is. Medication dosage change and a few days to feel better without paying for another office visit. Aw, that's nice. And the nurse said, he said it would be appropriate for you to go home from work today. Grrrrr. I mean, so I was a little absentminded at work. And felt almost shakey. And in a place that I don't care to stay emotionally, but really, that's enough to go home from work? Ah, learning to rest. What a job. So I spent some time with friends. Which really helped. So now I'm hoping to work tomorrow and to be feeling better in a few days.

The depression seems to be staying less, but the anxiety plays games. I spent the later part of the work week sick, and am now starting to get out again. Yay for anxiety. I'll get the wrong birthday present for the party this afternoon (I already got it, but I didn't spend the perfect amount of money on it). I'll be late. I'll have too much time at home. I wont be able to eat. I need to eat or I wont feel better. If I eat, the stomach flu will come back. I'm gonna die. Why? I'm not sure. Not because of the stomach flu - I survived that. Okay, sometimes it seems to help just to write out my chain of (somewhat contradictory) concerns. Now I can write my blog post more peacefully. maybe I'll write it wrong. I'll say too much. I wont say what I want to say. I spent too much money at the book store getting myself a DVD. I'm gonna die. I... need to return the movies I rented. I need to get home in time to get ready for the birthday party. Maybe if someone ...

So the depression is finally giving me a break for a few days. This way I actually care more about things, and if I care, it's easier to get anxious. Oh, what fun. But anyways! I got new glasses and can see better. That's SO nice. Even though the change in prescription wasn't that much. I turned in my scariest paperwork for the moment - or for last moment, now I have more that could be done that is scarey. But I think it is a little bit less scarey, but still scarey enough that I might choose to fill it out with a friend around. I finished the first scarey paperwork by doing part of it with the lady who gave it to me, procrastinating until the week it was due, finishing almost all of it in my counselor's office, and finally calling a friend and talking until I was ready to complete the last part at home. But I DID it! I'm choosing to call (most of) the time w/other people as support. Okay, so some reassurance was gained, but I still had to do it and did it. One doct...

Happy Thursday. So, I've worked 4 days in a row for the first time since before Labor Day! (okay, so that's really only two weeks of working 2 days each). I did it! And I expect to work tomorrow, which will put me back to working normally (though I'm more tired than normal). Actually, I worked late some of these 4 days, so that's even more minutes for my time sheet. Now I should tackle eating and being sociable for a little, and then I can rest until tomorrow. Pets can be antidepressants, but even they have side effects. Possibly I am allergic to my guinnea pig. Possibly he'll die. Am I feeding him well enough? Am I giving him enough fresh water? (He's not reliably drinking from the water bottle yet.) Did I waste my money on him? Should I have not spent that much money getting set up to care for him? Etc. But I still like him and am glad I got him. I guess I'd say he's a good antidepressant and he is an exposure (or multiple exposures) for OCD.

Stress w/ work. Well ANYONE would be stressed by that. Stress w/another area of my life. Yes, I have a wonderful, amazing, and irritating brain. Stress relief with Friedrik the guinnea pig. He's eating again, which is a relief. But still scared. And in my normal tradition, I rename him with nick-names. Goofy is one of my standard nicknames. Piggywiggy is more specific to guinnea pigs. Stress relief with my doll house. It's looking better! Tomorrow I go back to work and then see my counselor. Today I am hungry, but it's 2 o'clock and I only at snacks, not yet lunch. So I guess that's fine.

Got a guinnea pig and two days off work. The doctor said I shouldn't be too hard on myself for being tired after coming out of the hospital. Friedrik/fredrick/freddy/fred, but spelled Friedrik. :) He's about 3 months old, and my landlord gave me permission to have a guinnea pig, so I got one within a few hours from hearing that.

Uh, yeah. So.... Oh, the present. It's easier to talk about sometimes. I seem to have drank borderline spoiling milk today and/or food with too much spice. At work. Because I seem to have a VERY picky stomach for milk (I like it, but it can still be reasonably good and leave me feeling sick). My solution to this problem is to not eat for several hours. This seems the shortest road to recovery, though it is a bit of a pain when I already was falling on the eating too little side. But the past is fascinating. Especially mixed with the present. Like the fact that I have 43 unread messages for my main e-mail address (I glanced over the titles/senders and it just didn't seem worth the effort for the moment). My good time last Saturday that I posted (a week and a half ago) didn't last long. At all. Like, 5 or 7 hours. Then I returned to being exceedingly depressed etc. The OCD liked to say, "you're gonna die" about things like eating the fruity gummy snacks that I l...

Okay, so I didn't convince myself to actually give up on my sleeping-as-late-as-I-can plan until I had slept in AND had come up with an idea for how to do the roofing on my dollhouse (read "intentional hobby to help the depression"). Then I ate -would you believe it, contrary to my anxiety at the grocery store a few weeks ago at the mere thought of eating something besides raisin bran for breakfast, that today I finished my raisin bran (as in, the bag is empty now) and ate a different kind of cereal for the main substance of my breakfast! And it tasted good - well, good enough. I won't die, contrary to OCD's suggestion. Well, then again, who knows what dangers I am yet to encounter today! We shouldn't be too presumptuous. And the spell-checker said I spelled that right. It wasn't okay with "OCD's". Suggestion was fine, so it seems that the spell checker doesn't like OCD, which is silly since OCD probably gives it more business. Now if I...

Wanting to write. I guess that's a good thing. :) Shall I write of the irony of medication? First, I suspect I am not abnormal in not going in to get medication until I was feeling like I couldn't handle it without medication. It being depression and/or anxiety and/or OCD. I came to this conclusion in part based on the fact that I was having trouble eating and sleeping. That is in itself depressing. So I get the medication, but I'm afraid of it, thanks at least in part to the OCD. So I took it, but worried about side-effects etc (and just plain dying because I took the medication. My OCD likes the simple "If _____, then I will die" formula. It can be used for any situation). So the first irony of medication for OCD is that we don't get them until we need them but it takes a couple weeks for them to start working. The second is that my OCD was afraid of taking medication and the medication wouldn't help that until a few weeks after I started taking medica...

I cleaned the bathroom. Well, really just part of it; I skipped some in the interest of saving time for the moment and being lazy for the moment. But as I cleaned, my brain had this rhythm going on. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." Interspersed with the counselor recommended, "Maybe yes, maybe no." This, she said, at least gave two possibilities instead of just the one extreme and unlikely fear. How exactly I progressed from fear of contaminating others to my death I'm not sure. I was going to get a fatal disease, pass it on, and then die. Despite the probability of that occuring being relatively close to 0. Maybe even zero, but then again, I can't be too sure about that. Other than that, I've taken up a great interest in Sudoku. And I'm pretty good at word searches. I skip the cross-word puzzles. Having a good vocabulary does not equal cross-word puzzling skill.

Yes, I drove to the library because I wanted to write on my blog. Nobody reads my journal and it is less lonely to write on my blog. Church. I grew up in church. I'm the daughter of a former church leader. I know how to go to Sunday school and the morning service. I know how to find verses with a concordance. And so on and so forth. So then I sit this morning listening, and I heard how people need God and try to meet that need other ways and end up in trouble. And I sat there knowing that I did have this relationship with God and still I was in trouble. I'm not saying I don't want this relationship. It's very important and I'm very excited for heaven. I just want help even though I already have this relationship with God. So then I feel like a selfish person wanting to hog people's attention (in church instead of just by blogging instead of journaling). I guess I'm missinterpreting again. Seems I'm good at that. In reality,... let's try and apply som...

Hope is such a lovely thing. I've been feeling a bit better, which is lovely. Gives me more insentive to work on exposures. I actually wanted to wear make-up again enough to buy new mascara (the same kind that worked before) and use it. Today I didn't wear it. Give my eyes a break. Make sure nothing terrible happens because I used it too much too fast. Okay, so the OCD is on it still. I guess I'll wear it tomorrow. But it's easier to do an exposure when it's doing something I want to do but haven't done for a while. It's exciting to feel like I'm getting my life back! And it's scarey because I'm afraid of the moment my happy bubble will burst. As if it will inevitably come. Well it probably will. And what's talking now? Depression? Anxiety? OCD? Oh, well. At least I can try to enjoy it (happiness) while it lasts.

Stop sign intersections. There's the kind of stop where people don't quite actually stop (this can result in the police pulling you over). There's the normal stop and go. And there's my OCD variation, which is to stop, look and inch forward and stop again (doubles the likelyhood that I actually completely stopped at least once), look and go. I wonder what the people behind me think. No, I don't always do it; I'm not that consistant. But I'm a bit nervous about the day when my counselor thinks I should start resisting OCD driving compulsions. I want to check in my rearview mirror as often as I want! (And stop twice at a stop sign if I feel the need.) Just in case I missinterpreted what I saw on the road. Just to make sure that was merely a pot hole or bump in the road. Just to stop obsessing until next time. Okay, but I do want to be less influenced by OCD. Mutually exclusive desires once again! Once I surprised a counselor. She gave me a look, like, "I ...

I was sufficiently worried about the project due for my class, but then I got a perfect score! Even though I turned it in without it being perfect (as in, each paragraph was not perfectly filled out and balanced). My turning it in without being perfect was aided by the fact that my car had stalled that morning and I'd gotten a ride to work. I had planned to get a ride to the library and walk home (because that day the project was due!), but instead I was allowed to finish it on a computer at work after I finished my shift. And I got a ride home. So I missed my walk for the day, but I got my assignment done. The car has now taken up residence at a shop. Silly thing (the car). You'd think it could go on working a while longer, right? Never mind it's age, it's younger than me, and I'm still going! The silly car leaves me missing counseling next week. Oh, so sad. I lamented the fact, and now I'm not as extremely sad. Unless I think too much, then I might get more sa...

My grades in a class tend to follow a pattern. They start high, might get a bit higher, and then start sloping downward. Take, for example, my current class. Full points on chapter reviews for the first 8 chapters, then 90% on the 9th chapter. That's still not too bad. But this is: I went to write my chapter review today, but had re-studied the ninth chapter. REALLY? Is that what I get for trying to read my text book at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep? Now I have to finish the 10th chapter (I have read part of it) and probably come back tomorrow to write it's review. REALLY? OCD and depression and schoolwork. Think wonderful combination. OCD or depression says, "I don't care." I'm tired and frustrated and sarcastic and think, "I don't care." And then the deadline still approaches, and I'm thinking, I'm not ready for it. I want to take a break! That's what should happen in 2 weeks when the deadlines are passed. So for now, ...

I'm a student, sort of. Meaning that I work and am a student on the side, whenever I happen to be taking classes, which has been most of the time. I am taking one class right now, which is a bit inconvenient. I have terrible trouble with motivation. The first two weeks of a class are all right, maybe, but I am pretty good at wanting to drop out shortly after starting. Sometimes, if I put enough work into it, I end up wanting to finish (okay, I always want to finish, and so far I always have except for classes I withdrew from before they started or during the first week). But I remember at the community college being so annoyed when we passed the last day to withdraw for the semester. I want to know I have the OPTION! I don't know if I've passed it with this class. I guess I'll try to finish - it was expensive and I payed for it, so I'd like some little words on a transcript saying I finished it with an A. That's what I'd like, but it might be a B. That conce...

I took a break . One week when my thoughts were not so focused on OCD (I don't mean I didn't have OCD thoughts, I mean I wasn't thinking, "Is this OCD? This is OCD."etc). One weak to enjoy helping with VBS at my church. Okay, by the end I was really really tired. Having a hard week followed by a week of "normal" days followed by VBS evenings when I was responsible for a group of people is tiring. But it was good. Will I do it again next year? Ask me next year. I am, of course, procrastinating right now. I am taking one college class and carefully putting an assignment off for a little bit longer (16 more minutes would be okay). The assignment was due yesterday, however, so I want to actually finish it tonight. I don't usually turn things in late, but occasionally I like to strategically intentionally do that. Like this time, when I really wanted to go on an all day trip on Saturday when I had been going to complete the assignment. So I'll turn it...

So, from a blog, I realized that maybe my four alarms set for each work morning was an OCD thing... I cut it down to two when I moved. Aren't you proud of me? Then my counselor recommended one. I did that, too! And then I figured maybe I should cut down on checking to make sure said alarm was set... Not checking the time it was set for when I haven't changed it. Then, silly me, I informed my counselor. So she recommended I not check the radio volume either! So I'll try to only check once each night that it's on in the first place (it's not the kind you have to reset, so I'm fairly safe, except on a first day of waking up to an alarm instead of sleeping in)... Here is my success story. I have a few others. And then I have the, "I'm working on it" story.

So, my OCD knows about offering choices. You can... wash slightly more than necessary or check and avoid to avoid the need to wash. So if the counselor encourages not washing slightly excessively, we can handle that (maybe), just as long as the proper avoidance and checking is carried out - and as long as it doesn't rain. Cloudy days are just a little too depressing. Good thing the sun came out again. :)

I drove out of state to see a counselor who works with OCD and was listed on the ocfoundation website. Okay, so I merely drove about an hour. I drove longer to get home, but I also didn't pick the shortest way home. I like the person, so far. Which might not mean so much, but being me, it might still mean something. Now I'm hungry and tired, so good night.

So if compulsions are things I do to get comfort from obsessions, and if going through with them makes OCD worse, (and if I have OCD,) does that mean that I shouldn't be comforted? Sweet. There's a point when I've read enough blogs and articles and books about OCD. Where that in itself might qualify as a compulsion. Let me reassure myself one more time that I'm not the only one who wonders these things. Let me know that I'm not alone. Let me know that I'm not as defective as I'm afraid I am. Christianity and OCD; there's a subject. Verses in context, verses out of context. We could talk awhile, couldn't we. Oh, there, thought of it. But an English concordance might be faster than a Spanish one (my Spanish is, uh, limmited). Oh, there, I opened right to it (the verse). James 5:12 verse (yes be yes) is true. So must I only give yes or no answers? But then I might lie. James 4:15. Yes! I can give something besides a yes or no, something that recognizes ...

So. Someone said to me one day in the last few months that if I had a label, they would guess Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I said, well, I'd been diagnosed with that in highschool. Then I started researching it. It was fascinating! I read about people who thought like I did (okay, maybe they carried some things to a greater extreme than I do). It was quite the relief! But then (another OCD symptom?) I worried that maybe my OCD tendencies aren't strong enough to really qualify as proper OCD. Okay, why does that matter? Well it does matter to me. It matters how seriously I should pursue counseling. It matters in that I don't want to say I actually have OCD when I really only have OCD tendencies. It matters that I don't want to be wrong. But REALLY matter? No.